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From The Kernel Archives

Say no to Movember

By Dan Waller

Few annual events are as tiresomely self-regarding and ostentatious as Movember, the annual caterpillar contest that sees tossers of every stripe engorge their hipster top lips, ostensibly for charity but really for attention.

These man-children, astonished by their own virility, do not shave their moustaches for the entire month of November, simultaneously managing to look even more preposterous than usual and alienating every woman in the vicinity.

Such is the support (invariably in E-postcodes) for this notorious hirsute hegemony that Movember fails even to be funny or subversive any more: it’s just a bit gross.

But now there is hope. Jason Steele, social media director at MEC Global, is trying to get a resistance movement called “NO-vember” off the ground. Steele describes NO-vember as “a place to donate without looking like a …”.

(Allow us to fill in the blank for you. Yo, twenty-year-old hipsters in plaid shirts with moustaches: you look like fucking idiots.)

“I’m a little tired of Movember,” Steele, who put the site together during his time off work, told The Kernel last night. “I also wanted to prevent myself from sitting in front of the TV all week watching Bargain Hunt.

“I date a female standup comic and she liked the idea.”

We won’t hold that last bit against you, Jason.

Charity is supposed to be about quiet altruism, not attention-seeking. Steele’s site brilliantly parodies the tired exhibitionism of Movember with a gallery of clean-shaven upper lips. And, yes, you can still donate to a cancer charity.

We say bravo. Because, newsflash guys, no girl is interested in a stroppy show-off with a moustache.

You don’t look like a charming English gentleman with that hideous growth. You look like a cunt.


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