From The Kernel Archives

Christmas is coming: which phone do I buy?

By The Kernel

Every mobile phone on the market is rubbish. But fear not: the Kernel is here to help you navigate the tricky business of picking the least bad offering with this simple multiple choice quiz, which matches your tastes and personality to the typical user of one of four popular handsets.

Answer (a), (b), (c) or (d) to the questions below, keeping note of your answers, then check at the bottom for our recommendation.

1. My favourite store is:
(a) JD Sports
(b) That cute artisanal stationery crafthouse three hours out of town
(c) Maplin’s
(d) Banana Republic

2. I like to eat at:
(a) KFC
(b) Michael Mina
(c) Frankie & Benny’s
(d) TGI Fridays

3. I listen to:
(a) Snoop Lion
(b) The Head and the Heart, but only on vinyl
(c) Nickelback
(d) Coldplay

4. I enjoy reading:
(a) Text messages
(b) Bob Dylan’s autobiography
(c) The Da Vinci Code
(d) How To Win Friends And Influence People

5. My favourite sport is:
(a) Basketball
(b) Fixie bike rallies
(c) Ultimate frisbee
(d) Watching junior league soccer

6. On TV, I watch:
(a) MTV
(b) Oh, I haven’t had a TV in years
(c) The Voice
(d) Mythbusters

7. If asked which cocktail I’d like, I say:
(a) Rum punch
(b) Gin ginger mule, preferably from the back room at Dalva in the Mission
(c) Vodka and coke
(d) Diet coke, no ice

8. I jerk off to:
(a) Rihanna
(b) Florence Welch
(c) Britney
(d) Shania Twain

9. My childhood hero was:
(a) Tupac
(b) Barack Obama
(c) Sergey Brin
(d) Macaulay Culkin

10. Over breakfast, I browse:
(a) National Enquirer
(b) The New York Times
(c) The Huffington Post
(d) The Daily

11. I holiday in:
(a) Miami
(b) This inspirational village off the beaten track in Gujurat, where I felt really, you know, at one
(c) Caravanning with Margaret Beckett
(d) Yellowstone Park

12. I believe in:
(a) Allah
(b) Militant atheism
(c) The Flying Spaghetti Monster
(d) Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour

13. I drive:
(a) A stolen Ford Cortina
(b) A Tesla (well, maybe one day)
(c) A Prius
(d) A Lexus

14. I take my steak:
(a) Well done
(b) Blue
(c) Medium rare
(d) Medium. In fact I have everything medium

15. I get down with:
(a) Beats by Dr Dre
(b) Marleys
(c) Whatever came with the phone
(d) Bose QuietComfort 3

The verdict

If you answered mostly (a), you need a phone that will not only enable you to stay in constant contact with your 5,000 friends and groupies, but also help you anonymously co-ordinate flashmobs and looting. We recommend the BlackBerry Bold 9900.

If you answered mostly (b), you are the member of an elite group… of unbearably contrived hipsters. You’ll be wanting something that advertises your wealth and coolness while in fact being utterly devoid of personality. For you, it’s the iPhone 5.

If you answered mostly (c), you’re almost certainly fugly and self-important. Your life is characterised by predictably mainstream taste, barely suppressed rage and abject failure. Go grab a Google Nexus 4.

If you answered mostly (d), you could not be more Microsoft if you tried. You are dull, insipid, anodyne and boring. You lost your virginity at 26 and are still teetotal. There’s only one way to go: the hilariously dreadful Nokia Lumia 800. Enjoy those tiles!

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