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From The Kernel Archives

The vilest sites on the internet

By Jeremy Wilson

Ever wondered what all the fuss was about when people start talking about “shock sites” on the internet? Ever thought, “Nah, it can’t be that bad”? Well: it can.

How bad? This bad. Warning: the following links contain extremely explicit material and really, in the words of South Park, should not be viewed by anyone.

10. Goatse.cx

I have never visited Goaste – the Grand Daddy of shock sites (this is not an invitation to send me endless bit.ly links to it). Fortunately, there is a great deal of written analysis available about it. The front page of Goatse contains one single image of a man stretching open his anus with both hands. When Kirk Johnson, the subject of the photograph and a practitioner of extreme penetration submitted his anal gaping abilities to photographic record, little did he know that his antics would bring the internet together in collective horror.

9. meatspin.cc

I remember receiving a link my friend sent me to meatspin in the innocent days of MSN Messenger. I opened it on the family room computer and was hit by Dead or Alive’s “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” blasting through the speakers. The 80s classic was accompanying a gif of “meat spinning” (oh just click it), along with a helpful counter to tell you how many spins you had managed to endure. For the vegetarians among you, there is a meat free version of the site: leekspin.com

8. LemonParty.org

Another classic from the shock site genre, LemonParty is a single image web-destination that presents viewers with the grossest thing in the world: old people having sex. Specifically, three elderly men locked in passionate kissing and oral. To give the picture extra ambience, “If You wanna be happy” by Jimmy Soul plays in the background. In some ways LemonParty is quite adorable, but sometimes sweet moments of intimacy are best left private.

7. 2girls1cup.nl

2girls1cup is the nickname for a one minute trailer to the scat-fetish pornographic film Hungry Bitches. I’ll try not to spoil it for those who have yet to have the pleasure of watching, but suffice to say, the creamy brown treat the two girls eat from the cup isn’t ice-cream. However, if you can look past the feecal content, 2girls1cup is simply a tale of two saucy girls sharing an evening of intimacy together. We should stop being so judgmental!

6. 1man1jar.org

1man1jar is one of the raft of sites that was inspired by 2girls2cup. Again, it contains a single video, this time of a man getting intimate with a glass jar. Unfortunately the man underestimates the strength of his sphincter muscles and suffers a glass breakage mid-insertion. What happens next? I don’t know; I’ve never got that far.

5. tubgirl.ca

It’s hard to overstate how much your life will change after visiting tubgirl and seeing the one picture on its homepage. It takes a moment to process what’s going on but once it hits you, it really hits you. The image is of a female executing what can only be described as an ass-to-mouth-fountain flawlessly. The pixelation of the subjects genitals to preserve her modesty is a nice touch.

4. reddit.com/r/watchpeopledie

The first of two subreddits on this list, /r/watchpeopledies does what it says on the tin: endless gifs and videos of people dying. This is what they warned you about when they said the internet was dangerous.

3. reddit.com/r/PicsOfDeadKids

Now look: don’t blame me. You clicked on a list of the grossest sites on the internet, so that’s what I’m giving you.There is an argument to be made that our sheltered lives and censored media dampen our understanding of humanity. If you want to make up for a lifetime of pretending really bad things don’t happen, this might be the place for you. I guess. The other interpretation is that whoever runs reddit should be fucking shot.

2. parishilton.com

An invitation to subscribe to Ms Hilton’s mailing list: could there be anything worse?. (Yes, I’ve subscribed.)

1. efukt.com

efukt is a destination site for disgusting/violent/racist/weird porn clips. Classic videos include “The Destruction of A Stuttering Asian,” “1 Girl, 1 Cigarette,” “The Harlem Struggle,” and “I Lost My Virginity To A Dog”. It’s the careful editing and high production values that makes the site. I can’t recommend you visit it, but I can say that if you’re under 40 and don’t mind being grossed out, you will come away with a smile on your face.


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