How brave of our friends over at Liberal Bias to break the worldwide media silence. Finally we can openly discuss the revelation that Vladimir Putin, for so long considered an archetypal alpha male, has been taking style tips from his warehouse of confiscated smut.
This got us thinking. If Putin’s poise has been dead-lifted from his favourite gay porn stars, which other world leaders have nicked their trademarks looks, personal attitudes and hairstyles from somewhere else?
ANGELA MERKEL & DONALD TRUMP
Something’s been happening to Germany’s pant-suited panther. There’s a new air of confidence in her stride and fresh swagger in her demeanour. Could it be, as is rumoured, that Frau Merkel’s favourite weekend pursuit – catching up on The Apprentice – is paying dividends in the Bundestag?
Last seen: practising in the mirror.
GORDON BROWN & LINDSAY LOHAN
Outrageous allegations of drug-taking have dogged the careers of both former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Mean Girls star Lindsay Logan. One thing we do know? Withdrawal from antidepressants can be tiring on the skin and lead to mood swings and discolouration under the eyes.
Last seen: pistol-whipping a subordinate with a Nokia 302.
KRISTINA KIRCHNER & ABBEY LEE
Ballsy drag queen Abbey Lee make a pit stop in Buenos Aires on her most recent world tour to give Argentinian leader Kristina Kirchner some lessons in assertive leadership. Kirchner wants to be seen as a loveable Evita type, but so long as she’s running her country’s economy into the ground and threatening to invade nearby sovereign nations, she’ll retain her reputation as a bully.
Last seen: taking singing lessons.
KIM JONG-UN & THE CAST OF DYNASTY
Of all the engineering feats made possible by North Korea’s investment in its military, by far the greatest accomplishment is the gravity-defying do sported by Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un. Celebrity hairdressers speculate endlessly about how his look was achieved, but to date it remains one of international politics’ most enduring mysteries.
Last seen: mistaking Brylcreem for butter.
KATE MIDDLETON & NICOLE ‘SNOOKI’ POLIZZI
Kate Middleton naysayers have long criticised the Duchess of Cambridge’s insistence on doing her own make-up. She’s way too generous with the black pen, they say. Could it be, as whisperers in the corridors of Clarence House are suggesting, that Kate is soaking up just a little bit too much Jersey Shore?
Last seen: buying in bulk.
BASHAR AL-ASSAD & SASHA GREY
One is a popular coquettish strumpet most often seen getting dominated by feisty Arabs in uniform. The other is porn actress Sasha Grey. Assad’s wry smile and mischievous eyes are straight out of the porn star playbook. In fact, we’re pretty sure we’ve seen his double in a recent production…
Last seen: getting outflanked after a backward manoeuvre.
DAVID CAMERON & AUGUSTUS GLOOP
Time in office has taken its toll on Britain’s Prime Minister, David Cameron, as cruelly catalogued in Damian Thompson’s Daily Telegraph column, in which the world has been treated to revelations about the PM’s custard-gargling habits. What an Eton mess!
Last seen: serruptitiously wiping their faces.
BAN KI-MOON & SNOOPY
Those sad eyes? The sleepy demeanour? The affable air? We could be describing either one of this delightful duo. Alas, the UN Secretary General has been no more effective in his role as harbinger of world peace than Snoopy is at staying awake.
Last seen: snoozing on the couch.
ROBERT MUGABE & JIMMY SAVILE
What is it about grandiose sociopaths and gold? (Did you see the queues outside the Apple Store this week?) They say it’s a surprise when someone is revealed to be a murderous dictator or child molester, but let’s face it: the clues were there. Check out those threads, those snazzy frames and the bling. What’s surprising is how closely übermensch Mugabe shadowed the late BBC fiddler-in-chief’s distinctive look throughout their respective, despicable careers.
Last seen: spreading it across three easy payments.
BARACK OBAMA & A SHAVED POODLE
When Reagan was inaugurated, Nancy looked on in admiration and awe. Not so much Michelle Obama, the real power behind the presidency, who looked throughout the ceremony as though it were a tiresome inconvenience. Poor Barack! President of the United States, and still can’t get a break.
Last seen: doing as they’re told.
GLENN GREENWALD & ANGELICA FROM THE RUGRATS
No list of powerful and fashionable people would be complete without intrepid international truth crusader Glenn Greenwald. After a tough day at the office saving the world from the evil tyranny of democratically elected Western governments and throwing his toys out of the pram on Twitter, childish Greenwald tops up on Rugrats videos to keep his notoriously thin skin in good condition.
Last seen: stamping their feet and yelling IT’S NOT FAIR!
RAÚL CASTRO & CORPORAL JONES FROM DAD’S ARMY
Hapless, hilarious and prone to embarrassing gaffes, the lesser Castro and Corporal Jones share a fetish for epaulets and uniforms that mimic those of proper soldiers.
Last seen: stitching on another star.
NICOLAS SARKOZY & RICKY MARTIN
Diminutive pop sensation Nicolas Sarkozy doesn’t just share a fondness for riffs on the classic aviator and suit jacket look with his buddy Ricky Martin: he has also mastered the art of contemptuous pursed lips and a meticulously tousled quiff.
Last seen: trying on leather chaps.