We got drunk and ouija’d Steve Jobs about iPad Airs

By The Kernel on October 23rd, 2013

The Kernel’s Jeremy Wilson was sick of people banging on about how much Steve Jobs would have been disappointed about the new Apple iPad Airs and how much he would have hated the keynotes and advertising demonstrated by Apple since his tragic death in 2011.

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So he enlisted the help of our resident astrologer and other members of the Kernel editorial team to get it from the horse’s mouth.

Managing editor Enda Crowley was initially reluctant, fearing excommunication.

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But when we promised to crack out the good stuff from the Editor-in-Chief’s cellar to mark the occasion he started to get a bit more enthusiastic.

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We had on a previous occasion purchased a ouija board – “in German, just because it sounds more sinister”, according to one reporter – but never yet made use of it.

After a solid two hours of drinking, we began as a foursome by placing our hands on the planchette. We invoked the spirit of Steve.

Tell us, oh Oracle, we said: do you like the iPad Air or is it just the same old derivative crap we’re now used to from Tim Cook?

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Tell us, oh Master, does anyone anywhere actually think the new Mac Pro looks good?

After a frustratingly stubborn silence from Steve, we decided to take it in turns to operate the board, with the remaining team members responsible for lighting candles and chanting appropriate invocations.

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In the end, only James Cook, our intrepid associate editor, got anything out of the board.

The planchette rocketed to the word NEIN for each question. Sated but curious as to how James had managed success where the rest of us had failed, we retired for the night, slightly afraid.