THE RETRO ISSUE
The week of November 8, 2015

Revisiting the free and NSFW video games of the MS-DOS revolution

By EJ Dickson

This story contains sexually explicit material and may be NSFW.

In January, nearly 2,400 old MS-DOS games from the 1980s and 1990s became available for free on an online archive. For the first time, millennials can (legally) play The Oregon Trail, Street Fighter II, SimCity, and all the other classic games you pulled up in computer class between typing “PoopMuncher6969” on Mavis Beacon and searching for “Britney Spears nippels” on Lycos.com.

But what about the games that weren’t on the Apple computers in your school’s lab? What about the games your older brother had that you weren’t supposed to play—the ones featuring weird squishy sound effects and lengthy, text-based intros with four-letter words and naked ladies with big blond perms and dyed eyebrows and furry bathing suit areas?

Well, the Internet Archive has some of those games, and we’ve rounded up a few of the best (read: weirdest) ones. So get comfy, make sure you’re not in a public place, and prepare to be transported back to your mom’s rec room, because here are some of the best NSFW, free MS-DOS games available online. Warning: While these are extremely NSFW, do not even try to masturbate to these, because you will be very disappointed.

• • •

CUNTLET (1992)

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_5.00.51_PM

Cuntlet

What is a cuntlet, you might ask? Is it a cutlet? Is it a vagina? Is it a vagina cutlet? We’ll never know the answer to this question and many others I have about the game Cuntlet, in which you must use your mouse to navigate your buff blond hero around wiggling penises and vaginas in a labyrinth. For starters: Why do you get points for collecting vaginas, but not penises? Why do the penises multiply and corner you? Why is the person who made this terrified of penises? Has he/she ever had sex before?

ASTROTIT (1987)

Sometimes, the simplest ideas are the best. Apparently, the creators of the single-shooter game Astrotit could not have disagreed more with this dictum. That’s why they set their game in a post-apocalyptic universe where mankind’s water supply has been tainted with hamster urine, rendering all humans telepathic and causing giant objects, such as “bouncing birth control pills,” “Bibles,” “AIDS virii” (trenchant!), and the eponymous lactating breasts, to fall out of the sky. You destroy the objects by pressing the spacebar, which causes semen to spurt from your penis.

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_4.58.00_PM

Astrotit
Despite its sophomoric premise, Astrotit is clearly intended as some bizarre form of social commentary, albeit a form of social commentary that arose after 72 straight hours of doing poppers at Danceteria. But A for effort, guys!

COVER GIRL STRIP POKER (1991)

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_4.11.07_PM

Cover Girl Strip Poker

The premise of Cover Girl Strip Poker is simple: You play one of eight women in strip poker (all of whom look like they’re from the Eastern Bloc and have extremely mean boyfriends named Wladimir), and every time they lose all their money they have to shed an item of clothing.

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_4.13.25_PM

Cover Girl Strip Poker

“I’ll bet my cards aren’t the only thing you wanna see,” says the blonde in a Santa costume. Actually, I wanna see you putting your clothes back on and getting your GED, because by the glazed, resigned look in your eyes you’re clearly not happy with the life you lead.

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_6.18.55_PM

Strip Poker 2

This is from another strip poker game on the archive, but I actually think I’ve seen Greta, the woman on the right, in a porno before. I believe she openly wept.

ORAL FANTASIES (1982)

fellatio

Oral Fantasies

This is literally just an animated GIF of a young lady giving a blowjob to a gentleman friend. It’s really nothing to write home about, but if nothing else, it will make you want to call up anyone who was around in the early 1980s and apologize to them for having only this to masturbate to.

PLANET OF LUST (1989)

 

I could not play this, because it took like 20 minutes to load and I got tired of watching old Destiny’s Child videos on YouTube in the interim. From what I can tell in the description and the above gameplay video on YouTube, the game features “meaty galactic hero” Brad Stallion, who must “thwart the schemes of Dr. Dildo by rescuing Princess Orgasma of the pleasure planet Erotica,” which he mostly accomplishes by taking his clothes on and off. There’s also a character called “the Beaver,” which on the name-creativity scale is only slightly less lazy than having a dick or vagina character named “Dick” or “Vagina.”

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_6.10.36_PM

Brad Stallion

 

Also, this is Brad Stallion, and I would like everyone to observe for a moment that he is wearing a pearl necklace with diamond earrings. A pearl necklace with diamond earrings! That’s the manliest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. How confident do you have to be in your sexuality to pull that off? I would marry Brad Stallion and bear his toothy, bug-eyed children.

PARADISE CAFE (1985)

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_5.37.51_PM

Paradise Cafe

I think this is from a sixth-grade Spanish presentation I did on Microsoft Paint about Pablo going to the supermarket with Josefina or something. “Pablo va al supermercado con Josefina.” I think I got a C on it, because I didn’t know the word for “laundry detergent.” Next.

ANAL: THE RECTUM ADVENTURE (2003)

752993-anal

Anal: The Rectum Adventure

OK, let’s talk about Anal: The Rectum Adventure for a minute. This is, far and away, the worst video game I’ve ever played. There’s no anal. There are no rectums. There’s not even an adventure. You just navigate an arrow around these little block smiley faces, and then if you hit them there’s an explosion. I hate it. I hate everything about it. This game was clearly made by sociopaths.

SOFTPORN II (1985)

In this soft-core sex simulator, you feed the game information about your sexual partner, and it creates a fantasy sex scenario for the two of you. I used my IRL sex partner Alex, though I had a bit of a hard time when the game asked me about his bust measurement (I guessed 32C.)

If you want to have your character “kiss your tummy” or “lick your rod,” you type it in and it fills out the action for you. It’s kinda like Mad Libs for really, really lonely and unimaginative people.

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_5.10.12_PM

Softporn II

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_5.12.55_PM

Softporn II

 

Be careful you don’t move too fast (or slow) in the game, though, or else this could happen:

Screen_Shot_2015-01-07_at_5.16.41_PM (1)

SoftPornII

Rude! SoftPorn II Alex is a sociopath.

SeXoniX (1994):

anyway

SeXoniX

 

As far as I can tell, this is a standard, SFW arcade game, except when you win you see a lady’s boobs. I did not win, however, so I did not see a lady’s boobs. I can tell you, though, that I played Oregon Trail immediately afterward, and I named my character PoopMuncher6969 so when I died of cholera my grave would say “PoopMuncher6969.” We might have advanced in terms of technology, but some things never, ever stop being funny.

 

A version of this story was originally published by the Daily Dot on Jan. 7, 2015.

GIF via Astrotit/Archive.org