I met someone on a dating app who began to tell me about how they had just come out of the shower and wanted to party. Naturally I panicked, assuming pictures of me would end up on 4chan. Should I have worried so much about this lady or did I throw away what could have been a night of fun.
— A.S, Berlin
A lady does not behave in such a way. The word you are looking for is “slut”. That said, although the young woman in question has discounted herself from being a potential life partner, she does indeed sound like what I believe you youngsters call “a goer”. I wouldn’t worry about your photo appearing on the internet: these days, you should take that as a given. Concentrate your efforts instead on pre-booking a visit to the clap clinic in advance of future, similar impromptu liaisons.
my father recently married a version of my mom, but twenty years younger than my actual mother. This means that she is closer to my age than to my parents’. She is a nice woman, and I get along with her just fine, but I don’t want to be friends with her on facebook. Unfortunately, she sent me a request a couple of days ago. What should I do? I mean, we are not friends after all, and I also don’t want to be at the risk of my father seeing my facebook page (since it contains videos and jokes that parents simply shouldn’t see). How do I tell her without offending her?”
– Anonymous, via email
In such circumstances it is she, and not you, who has overstepped the boundaries of propriety. The most sensible course of action would be to send her a message, without approving her request, that contains a link to the following clip from a popular British television series.
For several months I’ve been saving the pixellated display pictures of everyone who un-follows me on Twitter. I’m nearly at 1000 saved images. What should I make out of them? A digital collage? Or something else?
— James, via email
You are right to want to shame those foolish enough to deprive themselves of your wisdom. Have you considered a bot that tweets once a day with the handle and bio of the person who unfollowed you? Doubtless they will fall into a few readily identifiable categories of idiot, such as “social media guru”, “cyclist” or “Liberal Democrat”. Your followers will enjoy discerning the pattern.
I’m a well-known journalist and I really fancy this girl on Instagram and although she posts pictures all day of her fabulous lifestyle, I noticed she isn’t even verified on Twitter. Will it damage me to date someone who isn’t as famous as I am?
— S.P., via email
You are a man, so it is perfectly acceptable to “date down”, provided the woman is a good deal younger and a lot thinner than you. Had you been a woman, I would have recommended strict avoidance. It is both a duty and a pleasure for a young girl to aim upwards. In my prime, when I developed a penchant for army officers, I would never have fucked less than a Major, irrespective of how gagging for it I may have been. A verified account on Twitter may be seen as the modern equivalent.