Ask Daphne, #4: co-working calamities

By Aunt Daphne on August 30th, 2013

Dearest Daphne,
I recently came across a colleague of mine on an adult webcam website. I had never considered this colleague as a potential partner before, but there was something about this situation… I was overcome with lust and pleasured myself to him. Now every time I see him in the office its awkward. What do I do?
— E.C, no fixed abode

Well this is awkward. From a legal point of view you ought to be careful. But speaking personally, well. We’re all so desperate to find love these days, who can be judgmental about where we find it? Provided you’re not his (or her) line manager, put the moves on him in the office. When you collapse back on to the pillow satiated a few days later, casually mention that it’s not the first time you’ve seen his wang. If he isn’t totally weirded out: keeper.

Dear Daphne,
My boss often writes to me in Caps Lock, or else just sends really curt and short e-mails. Also, what’s the deal with (eom) – who actually uses that!?
– A.B, Berlin

You need to toughen up, babes. No one who has a job that actually matters has time for all that “kind regards” crap. Be grateful you work for someone busy enough to be curt and dial down the entitlement, or you may find they’re not your boss for much longer.

Dear Daphne,
My girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch right now so I signed up to a mobile dating service under a pseudonym. Much to my surprise I discovered that she was also on this service and we have been hitting it off. What do I do? Do I reveal myself to her and hope things improve or is it a sign that its time to close the door on this relationship?
— Anonymous, via text

Wow. What a fucking mess. My advice here is to take the moral high ground – which basically means don’t let yourself get caught first. First of all, you should dump her on the grounds you suspect her of cheating. Then, when she challenges you, ask her how many dates she’s been on in the last few months. If she says none, she’s a liar. Get rid of her. If she spills her guts out, continue the relationship for another few months: the apologetic behaviour (home-cooked meals and enthusiastic blow jobs) will get you through until you find someone else.

Dear Daphne,
My boyfriend just admitted to frequenting LiveJasmine and paying webcam models to strip for him. He event went as far as paying for a one-on-one session with one of them where he spent over a hundred dollars. Is he cheating? Am I right to feel jealous? How different is this from him jacking it to YouPorn?
— C.C., via email

All men cheat. If you can’t deal with that, you need to stay single. Forever. The key thing here is that he didn’t actually dip his winkle into another pundada. (If you think he has, that’s a whole other conversation.) To be perfectly frank with you, this is really not a big deal. Unless you’re poor, and that hundred dollars is the difference between eating and not eating, get over yourself. You are not going to be the only person in his mind at the point of ejaculation for the rest of his life. I mean really, what planet are you living on. Pity the poor women whose partners can’t even get it up and move on – perhaps by spicing up your domestic sex life with a whip or manacles.

Dear Daphne,
My girlfriend identifies as bisexual and has a lesbian dating app on her iPhone that she refuses to delete, saying she only looks at it for fun. Am I right to be insecure about it?
— Concerned, via email

Anyone with a lesbian dating app on their phone deserves pity, not scorn. Ask her if there’s anything you’re not giving her (aside from syphilis) and why she needs female affirmation. If, as I suspect, she’s returning to the warm embrace of other breasts, it’s because you’re not home enough or not satisfying her in bed. Fix it.

Dear Daphne,
I just discovered my girlfriend has posted on /r/sex/ about her dissatisfaction with our sex life. She doesn’t know I know she’s on Reddit. How can I fix this?
— Stephen, London

In my experience, by the time this happens the relationship is already dead. Challenging her with the evidence from reddit will only cause a row: you’ll come across looking creepy and stalkerish. So assess whether you really want to be in this relationship or not, and, if you do, raise your game. Try nipple clamps, or taking her for dinner first.