Ask Daphne, #5: precious privacy

By Aunt Daphne on September 6th, 2013

Dearest Daphne,
I think Government spy agencies may be monitoring my internet usage, what should I do?

— J.C, London

The truth is that they probably are. But you already knew that, so stop acting surprised. I don’t entirely hold with the “if you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear” mentality but there is something just a wee bit arrogant about PR executives from Slough bleating about surveillance. What on earth makes you think you’re interesting enough to be under the watchful eye of the NSA? Avoid using phrases such as “bismillah”, “inshalla” and “the infidel capitalist scum must burn in Hell for defying Allah” and you should be alright. Unless of course you prefer to be watched. (I don’t judge.)

Dear Daphne,
My significant other demands that I show her all my correspondence with any member of the opposite sex that she may perceive as a threat. I’m not up to anything, I just want my space.
– C.C, via e-mail

Not to be rude, dear, but she sounds like a hysterical bitch. Ditch the bunny boiler and shack up with Gill and Rick, the swingers down the road with the spare room. On a serious note, no relationship can survive this sort of scrutiny and you’re right to feel suffocated. There are only two solutions, really: either dump her or create a couple of fictitious identities you can “interact” with. Anyone this mistrustful and invasive deserves to be fucked with. As I say, not to be rude.

Dear Daphne,
I joined Tinder and it was going well for a few days, I was cautiously “liking” people until my friend stole my phone and liked everyone on the service. Now I’m being bombarded with messages and I don’t know how to deal with it.
— J.T, London

Your friend is clearly a mischievous bastard, but if you didn’t want degrading virtual encounters with inappropriate women, why are you on Tinder in the first place?

Dear Daphne,
I grew up with Yahoo! and I just can’t get over the new logo. It always made me feel nostalgic and now that’s gone. Can we not go back to the good old days?
— E.C, via Twitter

Hankering for the past is the mark of the reactionary beta. Quite aside from the fact that the new logo is terrific, if you’re upset about the logo of a search engine no one uses any more you’ve got bigger problems than I can help you with. Have you tried getting a kitten?

Dear Daphne,
My boyfriend has been screenshotting my Snapchats and sending them to his friends. Some of the images are very revealing. I’m glad he still finds me sexually attractive but how can I let him know that his behaviour is not acceptable?
— J.R., via email

There’s only one way to respond to this sort of violation: cold-blooded revenge. Find the setting on your phone that turns the shutter sound off and take the most unflattering pictures of him you can while he’s asleep. Go for maximum drool and always take the photo from low down to accentuate any spreading girth around his waist. Then invent five fictional girlfriends and construct an email chain with the five of you giggling about how absolutely ravishing he is. Then forward him the thread with the annotation “NOT FUCKING NICE, IS IT?” His indiscretions will come to a very speedy end.

Dear Daphne,
Is it acceptable to solicit for a girlfriend via Twitter? I have 5,000 followers and someone out there must want me.
— Anon., via email

A brilliant idea. While you’re at it, why don’t you get some t-shirts printed with “Axe murderers please apply here”? Look dear, if you’re really that desperate, pop round to Kernel HQ for a quick knee-trembler. I’ll even take my dentures out.

Write to Daphne: [email protected]. Daphne replies personally to every email she receives.