I’ve just been matched on Tinder with someone I follow on Twitter! What do I do?
— Dave, via DM.
Well, Dave. It all depends on whether she follows you. If she does, you should post a screenshot of her on Twitter with the annotation, “Check out how gorgeous this girl I just found on Tinder is!” Don’t imagine for a second she won’t see it. If she messages you on Tinder in good humour, you can probably look forward to a decade of mutual over-sharing. If she gets pissed, it was never meant to be. Block her and move on.
I’ve started seeing someone I met online. The website said he was a 92% match but he’s lame! He’s using Instagram instead of EyeEm and doesn’t even know what Frontback is. He Snapchats his Mom! I don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t up to date. What do I do?
– Aurora, Williamsburg 11211.
In this situation I think it’s safe to say: it’s not him, it’s you. You don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t up to date? Can you hear yourself? I see from the postmark on your letter that you’re from Williamsburg, which perhaps explains it all. Sorry, love, but with an outlook like that you’re going to be alone forever – or, worse, stuck in an achingly hip converted church apartment block with a douchebag as self-obsessed as you are. Not to be rude!
Help! My ex-girlfriend has joined Snapchat! She’s not sending me anything dirty, but it’s not helping me get over her. I can’t block her because I’ll seem petty but the temptation to send a shirtless selfie is overpowering.
— Stephen, Mission District, SF.
I feel you, dear. But here’s the thing: there is only one acceptable use of Snapchat and it’s the shirtless selfie you’re gagging to take and send. You’re not to blame here. The kind thing to do is to send her a text along the following lines: “Hey babe. I know we’ve been Snapchatting and I’ve been really enjoying staying in touch. The thing is, I’m just not sure Snapchat is the appropriate forum. I basically use it to send cock pics to girls I’m seeing to get over you. Reckon we could move this to Facebook?” She’ll get the message.
I’m having a crisis. I’m currently dating a startup founder who I love. I would be lost without her. She’s just after releasing a public beta and it is AWFUL. It cannot possibly succeed. Should I tell her and jeopardise my relationship with her or leave her fail and have her potentially leave me.
— JW, Chelsea, UK
It’s the eternal dilemma: should you be cruel to be kind? In this case, the answer is no. Your girlfriend will receive endless pieces of unsolicited “helpful advice”. Most of them are not worth reading or listening to. (Are you so sure your opinion is worth listening to? Isn’t she the entrepreneur?) The most important thing you can do in a relationship is provide stability and loyalty. Nothing else matters – and, sometimes, you’ll have to bite your lip and support her no matter what you think of her business ideas. Other people are there to tell her the truth, and they will. And who knows: maybe you’re all wrong and it’ll work out brilliantly.
I’m after falling into a depression after the horse_ebooks news. I know it’s stupid, but I spent years following that account. Now I don’t know what’s real anymore.
— R.Z, via email
This may surprise you, but I entirely relate to your dilemma. Many are the times I’ve been home alone, abandoned by my family, who are generally off sunning themselves in Sharm el-Sheikh, and thought… what’s wrong with forming a few emotional attachments with inanimate objects? Before you get dirty, I’m talking about the strangely alluring internet curiosities that it’s perfectly acceptable to form an attachment to. The attention-seeking dope behind this account should be ashamed of himself for ending an account that brought joy to thousands for the edification of his own grotesque ego. A mourning period of three to four weeks is acceptable.
After a Friday night in and a few too many glasses of wine, my girlfriend and I thought we’d experiment… We signed up for Klout. Much to my dismay, my girlfriend has a far higher Klout score than I do, yet she has fewer followers than me. What do I do?
— Anon., via twitter DM
Does your girlfriend also have a better-paying job, a nicer car, more attractive friends and a better wardrobe? If so, Klout’s the least of your worries. Man up and assume your duty as head of the household. If you’re not boasting a stronger social graph than your girlfriend, can you really call yourself a man?
I’ve had a huge crush on an intern working for another company on my floor for several weeks now. Yesterday, out of the blue, she approached me and asked for some help with her work. It seemed like all my Christmases had come at once – until she dropped a bombshell on me: today is her last day at work. What should I do? Should I add her on Facebook?
— JC, London EC2A 1DX
What a total bitch. I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad if she’d just left and let it go, but by waiting until she was on the way out (and it was therefore acceptable to explore dating with you), she’s shown herself up as manipulative, petty and loveless. Dating isn’t a game. If you like someone, give it a try. Kick her to the kerb and go find someone who loves you for you no matter what the practical consequences.