Ask Daphne, #9: A-list only

By Aunt Daphne on October 4th, 2013

Dear Daphne,
I’ve found a really nice guy on OkCupid, however, he’s “looking for” short-term dating, long-term dating AND casual sex. I don’t know how I feel about this. Am I reading into this too much?
— Sarah, 28, works in PR.

I’m guessing – and I have to guess, because you haven’t told me – that your objection here is the “casual sex” confession. Now, some people consider admitting your lustful impulses on a dating profile to be taboo. Such people are idiots. Particularly if, as I suspect is the case, your dating objectives do not only include sobbing on the sofa to the latest Ben Affleck movie. That’s what inflatable gay best friends are for. If you’re genuinely on the lookout for a man who will light your fire, it’s likely to be a man with a little – how do I put this nicely? – experience under his belt. Stop being such a prude.

Dear Daphne,
I think I’m the victim of subtweeting, how can I be sure?
– Kenny, East London.

I’d advise you don’t waste time establishing whether or not that is the case. If you’re saying this because you in fact know you’re the victim, deal with it in the only appropriate manner: massive and brutal retaliation for the slightest of perceived insults. Nobody will mess with you again. If, on the other hand, you’re just a paranoid brat with delusions of significance, get on with your life and stop relocating your insecurity in other people.

Dear Daphne,
I’m newly single and I’ve been doing well. It’s nice to be back in the groove for once. I seem to be getting on well with girls for the first time and everything is good and fun, however, I’m exchanging pretty naughty DM’s with my mates girlfriend. It’s nothing serious but what do I do? Do I stop or do we take it to the next level and start Snapchatting?
— Guilty, London, UK.

Nothing could be more perilous than DMing a friend’s better half, thanks to today’s fashion for embedded screenshots. You will not only be presented with an isolated message declaring your desire to fondle her pendulous breasts, but, more likely, an entire conversation in which you are revealed as a lonely, desperate, treacherous imbecile. The reputational damage inflicted by such a public spectacle cannot be recovered from. If you want to steal someone’s other half, do it like the rest of us: by playing footsie at a dinner party or offering to “keep an eye on the missus” while your friend is away on business trips.

Dear Daphne,
I’ve just started in a new company and I’m noticing a lot of similarities between my boss and Elisabeth Taylor. It’s quite starling if I’m honest. How can I best manage him?
— E, London, UK.

You should count yourself lucky to be in the presence of greatness, given the appalling mediocrity of most people who rise to the top these days. Effervescent personalities are generally suffocated by the establishment these days, they should be celebrated whenever they are found.

Dear Daphne,
I was recently conversing with someone on Facebook who is very thin-skinned and who did not like the hard truths I was dishing out to them. So he unfriended me and then replied to the thread, so I could neither see it nor respond to it. this struck me as mind-blowingly cowardly. What is the correct response?
— Anon., via twitter DM

Remember that you are the wronged party, no-one likes to hear difficult truths about themselves but instead of dealing with it with grace, humility, and self-awareness, your interlocutor has chosen the easy way out, claiming the last word under false pretences. There is no excuse for such behaviour, and you are fully entitled to give it to him with both barrels. You should therefore laugh at him openly in a Facebook status update, tweet about it, and, if you have access to a publishing platform, use it as an illustration of unacceptable, prissy, touchy idiocy.

Dear Daphne,
I’ve been sharing details of girls I am interested in on OkCupid with a colleague. To my horror, he has been contacting them, setting up dates, and stealing them out from under me. How do I let him know that this is not the way to behave to a friend and co-worker?
— JC, London EC2A 1DX

Punch him in the fucking chops.