The other night on Tinder, I accidentally left-swiped the most gorgeous looking woman I’ve ever seen. I’ve tried creating a new account and fiddling with my gender, but she just won’t reappear. What can I do to find the love of my life?
— Joshua T, via email
Joshua, sweetheart, what do you work as? Do you own property? Do any of your social media profiles say “loving life” on them? I’m getting the impression you live at home. Get a life, you hussie and knock up a few of the late-night tramps at your local. In a couple of weeks I promise you’ll wake up covered in urine-caked nose sugar and that “gorgeous” (hint: filtered, lighted, staged) womAn will be a memory of your once-mundane, sexless life. Trust old Daphne, she was one of them.
One of my work colleagues recently unfollowed me on Twitter. I wouldn’t mind, but I’m on 999 followers and I think that he may have simply made a mistake. How do I raise the issue with him and bring my follower count back up to four figures?
— Jessica S, via DM
I hope you know I’ve developed arthritis from answering this sort of question. I’m choosing to believe that there’s some office sexual intrigue between you and your coworker and you’re not actually hung up on numbers of Twitter followers. So what I’ll advise you is this: in 1980s Yorkshire, “getting followed” meant being ploughed reverse on the mezzanine floor of a barn. Get him to do that.
After I suggested to my boyfriend that we have a movie night together, he has become increasingly obsessed with exactly which films we’re watching. Last night he sent me an Excel spreadsheet that was a list of 150 films, ranked. Should I bow to his superior knowledge or simply go with whatever Netflix recommends?
— Joshua L, via email
Joshua, sounds like your man’s got a bug up his arse about films, and I’m none too fond of his way of bringing it into your relationship. But, you’re being quite fixated on him, if you tell him to bugger off and watch Netflix instead you might have to suffer through Bridget Jones and the cold fury of an angry homosexual. Go with his suggestions, and if you don’t like the film, beat him off beneath your dual snuggie. Own the situation, sugar.
Our boss has created a Skype group for the office. Normally I’m OK with instant messaging, but the inane chatter of my colleagues is slowly driving me crazy. Who cares that Barry from accounts has had his morning coffee? I’m seeing some of my team members in a new light after noticing their excessive emoji use. What should I do?
— NK, via Path message
Nothing good can come of transferring awkward workplace chatter into an arena where misconstrued missives run rife. The best thing for you to do is to quit the Skype group dramatically and without warning. While you’re at it, read out every message Barry from accounts has sent verbatim. Read out “smiley face” and “thumbs up” along with every other emoji used. Your colleagues will soon realise that IM groups are no laughing matter and you will be the hot topic for days to come.
Write to Daphne: [email protected]. Daphne replies personally to every email she receives