AGONY AUNT

Ask Daphne, #14: Quora quarrels

By Aunt Daphne

Dear Daphne,
I’ve just come across my girlfriend on Quora – we’ve only been official for a couple weeks, so we haven’t shared Quora accounts yet. I was really fascinated so I started reading her questions and there was one about me from when we started dating, saying that she liked me but didn’t think I was going anywhere in my life, and “what should she do?”. The responses were very negative :( Should I confront her or just assume she’s forgotten about it?
— Liam L, via email

I hope that teaches you not to snoop, young man (or woman, I’m open-minded). Your girlfriend probably did have doubts, most men who haunt Quora are dubious at best. Just be thankful she held to your bottom, however lacking in ambition and largesse it is. If she hasn’t brought it up, it’s probably a non-issue. Bring it up anyway and ruin your relationship, sounds like you don’t deserve her.

Dear Daphne,
I’ve had the most awful evening. I’ve been outbid for a Genuine Fox Fur shawl. You mightn’t know what that is: it is indeed a fox fur, flattened and groomed. Coated in the luscious oils. The only thing of it that lacks splendour is the head, beady and cracked with all the years. But I quite liked the ghastly aspect. I’ve been outbid! That is source of my angst. I am unused to loss. Tell me what to do.
– Imelda E, postal letter

My love, I believe we’re cut from the same cloth! You probably don’t read my inches very often but I can come across as a bit of low-life; be assured I appreciate the finer things in life just as much as I do the lowest. As we are sisters, I will tell you: step away from the monitor. The things you’re feeling now? The hatred, the frustration: they will consume you. And when they do you won’t be shopping on eBay for expensive furs, my dear: you’ll be shopping for gardening trowels and condoms. Trust your Dear Aunt, for she has lived to tell the tale.

Dear Daphne,
I ran into a woman at Shadwell station. She was the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen, so I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could tell her fortune, as a sort of gimmick. Unfortunately, London moments of spontaneity are more often acts of violence than romance, and she slapped me then fled. I’ve heard of these missed opportunities being resolved online, can you advise?
– Patrick L, sent via SMS

Ah! I do love a winter romance. That is, if the stars align. The awkward encounter you’re describing happens thousands of times daily, all across our great city, and the world. Strangers, through eye contact alone, become familiar. Unfortunately, you crossed that border and buggered it up. Best thing? Hashtag “Shadwell” and “fortune” in your next few tweets. If you don’t hear back then, I’m afraid, she has found someone else to shuffle her deck.

Dear Daphne,
I’m pretty sure my husband is cheating on me. A few months ago he told me he wanted to “develop” (ugh, try satanise!) our sex life, and I rebuked him. I think he’s since taken up with the mail-lady, for I found a greased stamp press in our bedroom yesterday. I know this question isn’t of a technical nature, but I believe you’re quite competent with affairs of a lewd nature. Please advise, thank you.
– Laura P, sent via email

Ho-ho, I think we’ve all been there haven’t we, dear? Bitten off a bit more than we could chew. I get the feeling you’re quite uptight and there certainly isn’t anything wrong with that my love: but, there’s certainly nothing right about it. Think on that. The issue here is you’ve got a philanderer for a husband and, if you want to keep him on a leash, that might be exactly the thing to do.

Write to Daphne: [email protected]. Daphne replies personally to every email she receives