Like German efficiency, gay fashion sense is largely mythological. In fact, few subcultures embarrass themselves like the homosexuals do. You need only fire up gay dating app Grindr to realise just how wrong some blokes are getting it.
So here, for your edification, is the first in what I hope will be a series of one. This is… How To Look Good Grindred.
Alright, so first of all? Those shades never looked good on anyone. But at least when Bono tries to pull this shit off he’s wearing a $5,000 outfit. That Primark vest and nasty-ass chain just ain’t cutting it, babes.
I’m told this pose is known as ‘the philosopher’. It’s meant to convey thoughtfulness and erudition. Trouble is, he still has his leather fisting strap on from last night. Whoops!
‘Quizzical’ is another look some Grindrers try out in a bid to appear approachable and fun-loving. The problem as always is in the detail: how quizzical can a man look while stroking his own nipple?
Here’s a top tip for wealthy wannabe daddies: don’t describe yourself as an ‘aristocrat’ if you’re in an off-the-peg from T. M. Lewin and sporting a tie that would make Jon Snow blush.
‘RAWR, FEEL MY MANLY WAYS’, intones this chap from east London. Alas, crap tats do not a muscle top make.
If you’re going to have a professional shot done, you might want to check the dreaded bent-over belly ripple. I mean, we all get it, but you’ve put so much time into this, dearest, it does feel like a shame.
Shades of Chris Bryant in this rather awkward composition. Sort out that pasty skin before you take any more vanity snaps, poppet!
Here’s another white wonder in the perennial favourite ‘lobster on the chopping block’ pose. Sorry, but this colour, and that lilo, don’t do it for anyone.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: nobody looks good in orange – unless you’re a waspish agony aunt from an online technology magazine.
What am I supposed to do in there? Make a nest? And is that a shoelace round your neck? Come on love. I’m sure you’ve got a pretty face, so let’s see it, please.
THREE BOYS GETTING IT RIGHT
A bit posy for some tastes, but this chap has mastered the art of good lighting. And aviators, provided they’re not deployed to disguise something awful, are a timeless choice.
Not my cup of cha, but if you’ve help at home to pick up the pieces afterwards, this one does exactly what it says on the tin. What it says on the tin we can’t repeat in a family publication.
This young man is a delight. Well groomed, nicely proportioned and with just right right amount of ‘And what?’ in his face. Bonus points for the exotic locale.
So there you have it. Don’t make me return to this subject, please.