This is in-Zayn!

By James Cook on August 12th, 2013

There are over 400 million words in the One Direction fan fiction site onedirectionfanfiction.com, and there’s over 24,000 authors posting there. The majority of the stories posted on the internet are relatively mundane: Girl meets member of One Direction, they have a poorly-written conversation, they have poorly-written sex, then there’s some kind of poorly-written emotional incident which is ultimately rectified by the aforementioned member of One Direction. It’s nauseous stuff. But under all that badly written romance, there’s a rather strange side to the “1Dfamily”.

10. Whoreangle

“Whore•an•gle

/noun/

A romantic relationship involving four people.

Everybody has heard of a love triangle, right?

Well Nora Gunther has found herself in the predicament where she has become part of not only a love triangle but a love rectangle.”

In between our laughter, I didn’t hear my dad walk in, obviously finding it pretty suss that I’m lying on the kitchen floor in a puddle of water with Harry on top of me.

9. The Worst Babysitter

A young girl is a magical scientist who turns the members of One Direction into babies.

“Only Louis and Harry pooped their pants, I’m shocked that Louis did because he’s the oldest.” Sam said.

8. Love your man, and love him twice

In this particularly-sexual piece of fan fiction, all of the members of One Direction are sex-crazed lunatics intent on sexing everything that moves. Also, they all have ridged penises.

“Harry gets dressed first, sits back behind Louis and starts biting at his neck, makes him come again before Zayn’s knot has shrunk down enough to slip out of him.”

7. Baby’s Coming Back

Some members of One Direction can’t control their bodily functions and the others have to clean it up in a strangely sexual way.

“Soon enough Zayn returned with two bags in one held three packets of diapers made specifically for adults, and in the other held a changing bag, three pacifiers and a blanket. Laying Niall down on the floor, he took down his spare pair of boxers and put the diaper on him, at the same time Liam gave him the blanket and pacifier.”

6. Human Form

One member of One Direction is a teacher who meets Harry Styles in a club. They go home and have rough sex, then it emerges that Harry Styles is underage and one of his students.
(from the author):

Please note i am not a professional story writer I’m a teenage girl with a lot of feelings so if you’re going to complain pls do it somewhere where i cannot see :))))

5. Love Is All You Need?

Louis Tomlinson is a heterosexual male child in a world where heterosexuals are persecuted. Zayn Malik is now female and called “Zayna”. Some people of various confusing genders hook up and it all gets very complicated.

Niall cut in. He took a deep breath. “Liam. Mate. Don’t hit me, please, but are you heterosexual?”

4. The Spark is Not Within Me

Zayn Malik is a gangster in a gritty part of London who deals drugs, reads fortunes and picks up members of One Direction and has sex with them. The other band members are hitmen in the mob and kill people with hammers when they’re not having sex. Oh, and Simon Cowell is the mob boss presiding over a gang war with the members of The Wanted.

Later, Zayn will learn that Siva died while under house arrest, from an aneurysm, which, ironically, had nothing to do with the extent of his physical injuries but everything to do with a previously undiagnosed copper deficiency that was apparently missed at the overworked and understaffed hospital.

3. Let Me Go

Louis Tomlinson is a magical pixie who is sent to save Harry Styles from self-harm. They fall in love, but every time Harry cuts himself, his magic pixie boyfriend gets hurt too.

“How would you know what a pixie looks like when you’ve never seen one?” The boy’s head tilted slightly.

“But you’re not, like, tiny.” Louis snorted.

“Being the size that people portray pixies as being would be completely impractical. How could I get anything done if I was six inches tall?”

2. Club Zap

One Direction are a gang of robot mutants with glowing skin who work for MI6 and protect the planet from an alien race from the planet Bozira.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Liam said, flexing his metal arm as he got to his feet. “Those Bozarians busted my car, I left it outside work. Gonna pay for that, they are. It’s a BMW.” He frowned. “Or rather, it was.”

1. HELP Oh

Oprah Winfrey seduces One Direction. She has a bed with handcuffs. They are all gay together and she makes them strip for her.

You need to read this one through, it’s not very long.