I was almost a webcam whore

By Jeremy Wilson on August 29th, 2013

Warning: This story contains sexually explicit material that may be NSFW. 

Sometimes an idea is just so ridiculous that you really have no choice but to follow through with it. This is especially true for money-making schemes and it is the reason that, last night, I found myself whoring out my beard for cash on a webcam.

It was the alignment of two stars that convinced me to try my hand at “camming”. First, I had learned in an article by my colleague James Cook about Chaturbate, a website which allows regular Joes to solicit tips by “performing” in front of a webcam.

Second was my recent experience on reddit, which had given me the taste for webcamming: over 40,000 people tuned into a live-stream to watch me hiccup. Many of the live-stream viewers complimented me on the quality of my beard.

Perhaps, I thought, I could turn this beard appreciation into tips on Chaturbate.

DIY drab

The signup process for Chaturbate was disconcertingly easy: select a username and password, tick a couple of boxes and you’re presented with a “BROADCAST YOURSELF” option. I clicked. I could get down and dirty straight away, but I had to submit verification in order to receive tips.

I duly dispatched a make-up free selfie holding my passport next to my face. It was starting to feel like a casting couch audition and the nerves were kicking in. Maybe they would take a day to verify me? Maybe I should take some time to think about it?

But a minute later my verification had been accepted. I was officially a virtual prostitute.

Two clicks and I had set up a room called “Beard and hiccup-lovers room. Tip one token and I’ll fluff my beard for you.” I just had to sit back and wait for “‘tokens”, the in-site currency, to start rolling in.

Ten minutes went by and nothing happened. No one wanted to watch me. A user called crizydina, a thirty six year old female from Rio de Janeiro, stopped by to watch for a minute then left.

The dread started to creep in. Maybe no one actually liked my beard and secretly laughed about it behind my back. Maybe I should wear my hair down. Maybe I was just plain unattractive. I’d been reduced to the sum of my looks, and it sucked.

Then it happened.

Beard-botherers

saraparker: hi baby
saraparker: lovely beard

I hadn’t considered that people might want more than my beard.

A user called saraparker, a 23-year-old female from Paraná, Brazil was chatting to me.

Me: Thanks
Me: Are you into beards?
saraparker: show moe more of you baby?????
saraparker: The beard make me so wet
Me: Nice to hear
saraparker: Im so wet here
saraparker: show me your cock?
saraparker: its hairy to?

Crap, I hadn’t considered that people might want more than my beard. I couldn’t show myself now: I wasn’t exactly in the most aroused state: in fact, how anyone could be aroused doing this beats me. And what if someone records it and and I end up on gayboystube as “bearded man strokes limp dick”?

I hadn’t thought this through.

chatbjez

This wasn’t the first time a girl has experienced a wave of anticlimax with me, but this virtual interaction hurt more than it should. saraparker left the room.

I thought about stopping, but the rush from the conversation kept me going. I wanted more attention and was determined to get a token. Maybe next time I would offer to show a nipple.

Maybe next time I would offer to show a nipple.

A quarter of an hour dragged by. I started soul-searching and began thinking through all the terrible life decisions that had led to this moment. The introspection was broken when I noticed that brazcocker, a forty three year old male from Rio de Janeiro had been hanging out in my room for a few minutes.

Brazen

I was proving to be quite the Latino bait. Feeling desperate, I threw caution to the wind and sent brazcocker a private message.

Me: Do you like the beard?

Radio silence. What was brazcocker doing? I was just about to give up when I got a reply.

brazcocker: super sexy
me: Do you want me to stroke it for you?
brazcocker: yeah please
brazcocker: hot man
brazcocker: but, please, keep your hairy face on cam too
brazcocker: already playing?
me: Um, meant stroke my beard. This is awkward.

brazcocker left and I sat in silence, as newcomers to my room fifi2ne1, a twenty-year-old female from Madrid, and another, anonymous user quietly looked on. I waited patiently. Surely a beard-loving sugar mommy – or daddy – would come along and tip big?

Eventually, cool_first5, an eighteen-year-old male from Islamabad and gluestick, a forty six-year-old male from Quebec entered the room and started chatting.

cool_first5: hey
me: hi cool
cool_first5: how r u
me: I’m good, just chiling
me: And you?
cool_first5: awesome..ty
cool_first5: what’s up
me: not much
me: It’s my first time on cam, I thought people might like my beard
cool_first5:y es..i like it
gluestick: sure is thick
cool_first5: r u going to strip?
me: Do you have any tokens?

That’s when it happened. I realised I was negotiating with strangers on the internet to take off my clothes, and I just couldn’t do it. I’m a nice lad from Gloucestershire and these people… they’re all just so direct.

I called time. Maybe I’m better suited to Mechanical Turk after all.