REPORT

What it’s like being verified on Twitter

By Nimrod Kamer

Happiest day of my life was the day I became verified©. Getting a DM from Twitter’s Verification Team made me weep and howl hysterically and call my ex girlfriends to share the news. For the first time I laid my heart open to the benign significance of Twitter in my life. It was like a second cumming. Twitter casually asked for my phone number, promising to protect my account as long as I keep my username as it is, @nnimrodd. I knew the blue tick was there to stay. For life. Even after I collapse.

From then on out I was referred to as The Verified Lad everywhere I went. Including house parties and stag nights. Even the @airbnb support team began solving my issues faster via DMs. It made me a true débonnaire, someone who’ll never again date less than verified© débucunts.

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What is it like being verified? is a question first asked by lucy bada$$, a personal fan of mine. I am glad to be her only blue-ticked follower.

 

One of the perks of being verified© is the prestigious @verified account following you.

verified-account

This account follows 54,121 users. Latest followee is the Edmonton Oilers forward, ‘cave man’ Luke Gazdic. Congratulations Luke. 54,121 is the exact number of verified© profiles in the world. This comes with an ellipsis, as Luciana Berger MP once claimed she’s not followed by @verified even-though she definitely IS verified©.

The Tick added a lot to my street cred, as well as my pavement cred, and my red carpet flair. When I meet celebs I now feel like I know them already. REMEMBER: All verified© people know each other.

 

 

When I follow someone who’s unverified, my verified self (user), feels like he’s doing this unverified chap a huge service, even if he (me) unfollows quickly after.

When I first opened Vine (app) I was surprised to find out I’m a priori verified there too, with a green tick, since Vine is Twitter (same company).

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I went ahead and recorded a Vine to notify people of my statusesteem.

It helped me get a laid a lot in Bushwick (area) and also go on a date with local catwoman Kat Georgé, although eventually we never met.

I applied to be a contestant on the @MarsOneProject (one-way reality show trip to Mars) (unverified), using my tick to faze through the grueling auditions and rough competition. Its launching in 2023. I will be the first Verified© Personality In Space.

To my surprise I keep running into unverified folks who PAY their taxes, like @helenflanagan1 (416,555 followers, no tick) or @DougCoupland (432,755 followers, no tick). I strongly believe only the verified© should be asked to pay back to society.
Surprisingly, Nigel Farage is, too, unverified.

Nor is @louteasdale (1,197,075 followers) verified©, no matter that she was chosen one of UK’s twitter heros by the Telegraph (google it). The lowest ever verified© page I came across is belonged to Pale (band). Somehow musicians get the easy tick with a nod, even if they aren’t @BASTILLEdan (band).
pale
There should be one individual in history named Nimrod who is verified©, as I’ve tweeted to the second notable Nimrod on twitter, Mr. Nimrod Taabu, on that matter.

What will happen after I die, in regards to my tick? I’m still waiting to hear from the V team on this one.

My ultimate goal in life is to become immortal and then to die. But I’ve officially remedied that, as now my sole ambition is to become more verified©.