REPORT

What your video games say about you

By Jack Flanagan

Grand Theft Auto

GTA is a freeform game in which players can do whatever they want in a city – tending toward thievery and murder. While games like Call of Duty, featured below, are more plain about their objective (violence), GTA seems to inspire more thoughtful players. Pensive sociopath in an urban setting makes one think of serial killer and cannibal Jeffry Dahmer, at once unflattering and edgy, or, worse, Mel Gibson.

mel-gibson-lethal-weapon

Tetris

Repetitive, addictive, and ultimately self-destructive: Tetris was the ultimate hobby of early gamers. This simple puzzle game involved dropping irregular bricks down a column to create lines. To still be playing Tetris in the modern gaming era suggests the need for systematic – but facile – success. As Jennifer Aniston has been recycling the same girl-next-door/ditz for the last 10 years, maybe this is the game for her.

jennifer-aniston-rachel-friends

Pacman

Pacman is an expression of hunger and fear. Pacman chases after food nuggets while trying to avoid dangerous ghosts. At the right moment, however, Pacman can turn on the ghosts and attack them. A mix of gluttony and a charming icon could only be the equally charming mother of Tracy Turnblad in the Broadway musical Hairspray, a.k.a. John Travolta in drag.

john-travolta-hairspray

Candy Crush

You’re entirely ordinary. Too ordinary. The Candy Crush saga asks nothing of its players but the enjoyment of bright colours and fast action. Pedestrian, perhaps even suspiciously so, it makes you think of Tiger Woods, who mastered the most mundane of sports while harbouring a scandalous secret.

CC Some rights reserved by Richard Carter on Flickr

CC Some rights reserved by Richard Carter on Flickr

KOTOR

The dizzying, almost incessant moralising, of the classic Star Wars game Knights of the Old Republic makes it suitable for the introvert. The game allows you to act either as a good Jedi Knight or a evil Sith Lord, depending on how much you sympathise with the NPCs (non-playable characters) racing about on-screen. Jaden Smith seems to fit the profile of a soft-footed philosopher, judging by his Twitter profile.

jaden-smith-after-earth

Zelda

The Legend of Zelda series is a great piece of nostalgia for those currently in their twenties, who grew up with what are now called the classics of video gaming. If you’re still playing this game, it might be that you hanker for the past, for the days of boyhood innocence and unfettered imagination. British author J. K. Rowling probably best suits the image of an adult enthralled with youth and the achievements of the young.

CC Some rights reserved by pierrotsomepeople on Flickr

CC Some rights reserved by pierrotsomepeople on Flickr

World of Warcraft

There is only one person that plays World of Warcraft (WoW), because famously after you’ve played you almost never get back to real life (hence its nickname, World of Warcrack). The photo here is the author of the book Unplugged, Ryan Van Cleave, who typifies the type. Intelligent, imaginative, and after a few years… deranged.

ryan-van-cleave

Pokémon

One of the classics of the genre, Pokémon players have to “catch ’em all” to be best. The “them” in question are, primarily, small animals which can be captured in pocket-sized balls. Apparently not an animal-rights violation, these games most suit collectors and mild-to-obsessive kleptomaniacs. Jennifer Lawrence’s sweep of awards this and last year suggest she might well have a collection obsession. Plus she’s young, which Pokémon is overwhelming targeted to.

Jennifer-Lawrence-on-Catching-Fire-Set-42

Call of Duty

The call of duty in question here is the slow grind of war. It requires patience to see results, if you want peace, or none if what you want is blood-splattered action. The game is most popular with the latter group, and so you – the Call of Duty player – are most likely impatient and trigger-happy. Where patience is a virtue, Kanye West is Satan. Not one to hold his tongue nor pull a punch, there’s a lot this game could do for him, in terms of catharsis.

CC Some rights reserved by dpwolf on Flickr

CC Some rights reserved by dpwolf on Flickr

Dynasty Wars

Dynasty Wars takes place in China in the early ADs. The game, while epic in scope, features very basic gameplay: what they call “button-mashing”. Kill, win points, move on. It’s been a winning formula for the franchise, which benefits from players that love transversing beautiful pieces of land and history without the complexity. Most definitely a game for director James Cameron – whose films are often epic in scope, while horribly myopic in delivery. Hell, he’s probably got a Dynasty Wars movie in production already.

CC Some rights reserved by jurvetson on FLickr

CC Some rights reserved by jurvetson on FLickr

The Sims

Sims players perhaps like the efficiency of the whole thing. Movement, career ascension, love – even lovemaking – happen in the blink of an eye. These things considered, Taylor Swift – who in a short-span of time has been propelled to global music sensation – could also enjoy that result. Plus, you know, the men: she could rake in a myriad spouses in minutes. Fall for them, love them, lose thembegin again– and write a song about it all.

CC Some rights reserved by Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer on FLickr

CC Some rights reserved by Eva Rinaldi on Flickr

Flight Simulator

Flight Simulator is for those who find satisfaction in the world we live in, but for some reason or other couldn’t achieve their dreams. You know, like people who drive Porsche Boxsters. These are usually kind and inauspicious people, who make safe bets in their romantic partners. They have frustrated ambitions, but they won’t take it out on you. We call them Average Joes, but they are spectacular in a list of obnoxious people. No image here, because you already know what your parents look like.