This article contains sexually explicit language that may be NSFW.
The internet has opened the floodgates to an ocean of visual stimulation. When it comes to sex, things are amplified. It’s hardly gone unreported that every fetish imaginable is catered to online by torrents of pictures and videos.
So it came as a pleasant surprise to discover a corner of the internet where all that is needed to put some heat in one’s panties is some mischievous prose: the subreddit /r/dirtypenpals.
This adults-only forum describes itself as a place for those wanting to “exchange dirty little love letters with like-minded strangers”. The concept is simple: write a few lines about what you’re looking for, give your post a snappy title and wait for the steamy replies to roll in.
I decided to give /r/dirtypenpals a go for myself. So I made a hot cup of tea, snuggled under the duvet and fired up my laptop.
It was time to woo some ladies with my sweet grammar skills.
Within a minute I’d created “hot-bearded-man” and had made my first post: “25 M4F Hot bearded British guy looking to make your naughtiest fantasies come true”.
It didn’t take long before I had a reply from a “20 year young fun curvy redhead” who had “read the beard thing and fallen in love”.
I tried to engage my redheaded lover in some polite chit-chat, but she wasn’t having any of it. She wanted me to take the lead.
I decided to attempt the “getting to know each other” approach.
I took a deep breath and did my best impression of an alpha male.
“Start however you wish”? I sweated long and hard drafting my response.
Radio silence. Maybe it was the Kettle chips. Apparently I was doing this wrong.
Lessons learnt, I tried again. This time hot-bearded-man was going to know what he wanted.
I waited and waited, but no response came. I took to wading through the pages of “Male for Female” posts looking for some “Female for Male” ones to respond to.
I offered to be “your cuckholded husband who spends all day on my hand and knees scrubbing the bathroom” to a lady looking for a “good humiliation pet”. I called a girl asking to be “called names, degraded and humiliated and used like a whore” a “worthless syphilitic hoe-bag”.
And I assured someone into fantasy roleplay that I’d be the Gollum to her Frodo.
Then it hit me: I’d read that women who posted on /r/dirtypenpals received hundreds of responses. It was time to go catfishing.
I set myself up as “british-girl” and made a quick post “22 F4F Hot British girl wants to Domme a lady”. I was instanly inundated with replies from “women” and had to delete the post after five minutes.
I struck up with a lovely conversation a “shy” girl with curly brown hair. Below is the first part of our conversation, before things descended into filth too strong for this publication. Suffice it to say I was regaled with details of her “taboo oral fetish” and colourful descriptions of what could be achieved with a fish hook.
If I’m honest I’m not sure dirty pen-palling is for me, it’s just so explicit. I’m a nice boy and I’m just not used to this type of dirty talk.
I think I’ll stick to eFukt.