We went to the UK twerking finals

By Jeremy Wilson

“I don’t know about you but I want to see some ass crack tonight,” said the DJ. He wasn’t going to be disappointed.


The contestants were called Gemini, Lysa, Nneaka and Paris.

The MC talked a lot about eating chicken to get your ass big and said that in his day white girls didn’t have asses like that.

Some journalists were a bit over-excited, which was sad.


Anyway this is what happened. Photography was allegedly banned but they didn’t mention Vine so here you go.

There was a “jelly round” where the girls had to stand still and shake without moving their feet. The chorus of the track was ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS.

Lots of the girls were really quite good at this.

There was also a round I call “violent twerking”, which scared me slightly.

Some white people struggled to pull off the full twerk and had to use distraction techniques.

There was synchronised twerking. A bit like a Chinook helicopter if you think about it.

Some ambitiously acrobatic twerking happened.

Bitches threw some crazy shapes.

Some things didn’t look that much like twerking to me. Though they were still OK to watch.

People got into some odd positions.

There were some groups in, like, Arabesque headgear or something.

Some of competitors were very energetic.

The best ones just had that shit down. This is how you do it, people.