REPORT

Want to get laid? Then do not make these mistakes

By Rachel Moss

Online dating. You’ve read the articles about the trends, the traumas and the dwarves. (Tinder Party, anyone?) There really is an overwhelming amount of information out there for the single, horny or just plain curious. So why, dear males, are you still fucking it up?

From the seriously deluded to the downright creepy, I’m afraid to say that the majority of men need a lesson or two (from a woman) when it comes to creating their online dating profile.

I would broadly categorise myself and my friends as “university educated females, who like fun but don’t like chlamydia”; if this sounds like your sort of woman, listen up. It’s safe to say that you won’t find us on myfunbuddy.com, we consider “Swiping Right” more a hen-party game than a dating solution and Darwin Dating makes us want to cry, regardless of if we’ve been voted “Ass-like” or “Awesome.”

No, we relatively mainstream ladies can be found on, shock horror, all the relatively mainstream websites: match.com, PlentyOfFish, OkCupid and Lovestruck.com. Now that you’ve found us, here are the 10 most common dating profile mistakes made by men that will stop you getting laid (you can thank me later):

1. You’re unclear about what you want

Oh hey, Mr. Looking for Love. What’s that? You “want to date but nothing serious”? But you’re Mr Looking for Love!? We think you’re confused… and now, so are we. REJECT!

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2. You are flashing the flesh

You are not Peter Andre. This is not the Nineties. Flashing your abs makes us cringe; it’s just too much, too soon. Put it away! (PS: you also look a bit drunk… soz). REJECT!

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3. You’re a massive online dating cliché

Yes you might be “easy-going,” but apparently, so is every other male who ever made an online dating profile. Be original. Jeez, next you’ll be telling us you have a good sense of humour… REJECT!

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4. Umm… there’s two of you?

We are not here looking for a threesome. Why are there two people in your profile picture? Which one are you? REJECT.

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5. You’re wearing sunglasses

What are you hiding under there? A third eye? A mono-brow?! Where’s your sense of romance? Eyes are are the window to the soul and all that. Ditch the glasses, double your chances—we just don’t trust you right now. REJECT!

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6. You mention your ex (or practically do)

You “miss having a female in your life,” or you miss your ex- girlfriend? Come on now, we all know you got dumped. Maybe stay off the dating sites till you’re over her, eh? REJECT!

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7. You’re headless

This is worse than a number 2-style abs flash (see above). If we can’t see your face, we will assume that you are a 100% paper bag job. REJECT!

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8. You’re not owning it

You’re on a dating website; we’re on a dating website. Man up and OWN IT. Why do you need an “excuse” to be on here? This implies that WE should be embarrassed to be on here. Well you know what, we’re not, and neither should you be. REJECT!

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9. Your profile picture is with your ex

OK so this poorly cropped photo may just be a cosy pose with a female friend, but we’re going to wonder. Avoid using pictures with other women (tip, the arm over the shoulder is a give-away). REJECT!

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10. You’re Your grammar is appalling.

Spelling and grammar errors are the most common profile mistakes, and can be a BIG put-off. Copy and paste your spiel into a Word document first – it’s not hard lads, sort it out. Remember …

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(Also never mimic this guy’s dating/car selling analogy.) REJECT!