We bought a hymen on the Internet

By Jeremy Wilson

It’s no secret that the most unusual things can be bought online. Sex, drugs, guns and cock cages are all being hawked on some corner of the Internet or other. We’ve found an online trade that tops them all: the disturbing sale of artificial hymens.

We’re not kidding. If, for some reason or another, you happen to be missing a hymen and fancy yourself a new one, there’s no shortage of online retailers happy to fulfill your wish.

Fleurs du mal

One website, which offers a “discreet” delivery service, offers to help you “marry in confidence.”

Restore your virginity in five minutes with this new technologically advanced product. Kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence for only $29.95.

For potential hymen purchasers worried about the mechanics of operating a hymen replacement, the site offers a helpful step-by-step guide:

“Insert the Artificial Hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrates, it will ooze out a liquid that appears like blood, not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans and you will pass through undetectable!”

Another online shop makes it more explicit who their target market is.

“When a Muslim girl loose her virginity it can take serious problems for and make her life into complete and deep hell… No worry, here we can help you: Artificial Hymen, the most economical, easy, fast, and safe way to make you become a VIRGIN again!”

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One site even tries to temp buyers by offering bulk buy discounts. One hymen $19.95 or two for $38.95. And for those keen to nab a bargain, it’s five for $90.

And of course, it almost goes without saying that notorious smut merchants Amazon stock “virgin bride kits,” offering two per pack—”one for practise.”

It’s hard to believe these things are real. Are they really selling bloody bits of fake vagina online? Here’s a video that might help it all sink in.

Having never been in the vicinity of a hymen myself, I can’t pass comment on the realism of the “hymen” demonstrated. But I am assured by acquaintances more knowledgeable in such matters that the effect is passable—sort of.

There was only one thing to do: we bought one. In the time that it takes for our hymen to arrive, we’ll find an intrepid journalist to try it out.

If ever there were a reason to be horrified at the tentacles of the historic patriarchal oppression of women’s stubborn hold on modern-day life, this is it. In a world where we’re constantly being told of technology’s potential to drive positive social change, it’s galling to see it being used to appease the infantile fantasies of backwards cultures. Depressing, really.