Celebrities for nuclear energy

By Jack Flanagan

In his book The Revenge of Gaia, scientist James Lovelock—the progenitor of the Gaia hypothesis—makes a strong case for Nuclear energy. He tells us that nuclear energy has suffered an image as the bogeyman of sustainable energies. Clean energies like wave, wind and geothermal—by dint of being organic—are good news. Nuclear power, the fission or fusion of molecules to release energy as heat, has gotten a bad rap from disasters such as Hiroshima and Chernobyl.

Truth is: nuclear is very safe. The evidence against it is often irrational (for fear) and/or poorly supported. While Hiroshima and Nagasaki were disastrous, it was—not be poetical, but very fairly—man that pressed the button. Today, nuclear warfare is much more advanced—typical nuclear warheads which have been constructed are up-to sixty-six times as powerful as that dropped on Hiroshima. There’s nothing that can be done about that. And Chernobyl’s nuclear winds, said to have blanketed Europe, may have affected 400,000 people—but not such that they’d notice. Nuclear energy does drop life expectancy, but more often by weeks than months or years.

The dangers of it are overestimated and largely generated by yours truly: the media. Not only that, but nuclear energy is a widely economical way of producing energy when compared with fossil fuel burning, never mind hit-and-miss options like wind energy. Meantime, the planet is burning up. This spells trouble for humanity. We’re living on borrowed time, people. Now is not the time to be playing fast and loose with a light switch: we all need to pitch in.

Especially celebrities.

If it worked for the conservation movement, maybe it’ll work for nuclear energy. Getting attractive things onside is a PR strategy that can overturn even nightmare events: we need celebrities.

If you love your planet, tweet these celebrities to become advocates for nuclear power. Every tweet saves a rock. Two tweets saves a rabbit. Three tweets and you drop the global temperature by 3°C. We don’t want the temperature dropped by that much so please do not tweet more than two times. Thanks.

Lindsay Lohan

The world is currently Lindsay’s oyster. Right now, nobody has any idea what she’s doing or why she’s doing it. Her recent movies took bad reviews. Her reality TV show is just a bit of sensible PR, rather than ground-breaking or timely. She needs something fresh, hot: exothermic nuclear energy.

Ann Summers

Uranium themed sex toys? I think so. Uranium dildos and fleshlights for everyone. If you’re sticking a plastic stick of uranium up your hoochie you can hardly be anti-nuclear can you? You’ll owe it not just the lives of your children: but your daily dose of “me time” too.

Lady Gaga

Think of the costumes. And the stuff she’d say. And then, inevitably, the songs she’d write. Lady Gaga’s chief asset has always been shock mixed conservatively with talent. Adding uranium to the mix could push her career on another decade, at least, while decreasing her lifespan but maybe 10 or so weeks. A good trade.

Jamie Oliver

The camp culinary Brit could do with some philanthropy out-with the kitchen. Not only would it broaden his horizons personally, but broaden his appeal to a greater audience. Nuclear energy advocacy is also the right splash of scandal, one that could benefit the so far bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Oliver.

Charlie Sheen

What Sheen lost in respect for his antics, he gained in street-cred. This man doesn’t pussy-foot around a topic, and the public knows it. If it was made clear to him the potential for nuclear power, and perhaps a little motivation, he could unleash a torrent of manic promotion for the energy source. Sure, it might not all be positive: but all PR is good PR, right?

Janet Jackson

There comes a time in a celebrities career when their mainstay—dancing and singing—fades out but they retain some gravitas. That’s the time for philanthropy. Janet, who will always be remembered, for one reason or another, could follow in the footsteps of esoteric philanthropists like Angelina Jolie and Mariah Carey and lend some of her starlight to nuclear energy.

Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore is about to appear on the silver screen in a big way, featuring in Carrie, Non-Stop, and Mockingjay, the third film in the Hunger Games series. In this limelight, she could do a lot for the little guy: nuclear energy. Plus: a redhead in emerald green? Yes.

Brian Singer and Hugh Jackman

In an episode of Marvel comics, Wolverine and the little brother of Cyclops, Havoc stop the Chernobyl reactor from becoming a disaster. If Singer—the original director behind X-Men: the film—could recruit Jackman into a short with this episode, comb it over with a little nuclear-political message about clean energy, we could be on to a winner.

Adam Levine

Recently rated the hottest man in the world by People magazine. Beauty is not something this list is missing, but it couldn’t hurt to have a bit more. It also seems like something he’d go for, you know? Like: “Hey girl, I’ll give you Chlamydia and tell you why we’ve only got 20 years to implement nuclear fusion/fission energy or we all go down.”

Tom Daley

London Olympic Games - Day 15
To be frank with you, I just wanted Daley on this list. Although, to be fair, how cute would it be if, in the same week, the world’s hottest Olympic medalist came out as bisexual (ish) AND as an advocate for nuclear fission power? I can see a picture of him in the Daily Mail jauntily clasping a stick of uranium, in just Speedos and a grin.