Let’s face it, Christmas is a stressful time of year. We all find ourselves craving a pick-me-up at some point over the holiday season. Unfortunately, winding down with an opium pipe or gearing up to face the rest of dinner with a sniffle break to the bathroom is both socially unacceptable and, err, illegal.
But all is not lost. There are still some mood fixers out there that have slipped under the noses of regulators—and, even better, are available to all at the click of a mouse. The Kernel has put together a list of the top legal highs you should be hoping to get in your stocking this year.
Type of drug: Stimulant
Similar to: Amphetamine
Who should take it: Overworked parents
How to take it: Khat is the perfect little fix for Boxing Day. Not only will it provide you with some much-needed calm, others will feel happier too when they see your merry, vacant grin. Chow down on some khat leaves for a few hours and face the post-Christmas tedium with confidence. Despite the previous 24 hours of hell, you’ll feel alert and talkative, all while being enveloped in a tranquil blanket of serenity.
For an added bonus it’ll suppress your appetite and keep you from overindulging in the annual stuffing and chocolate binge.
Type of drug: Hallucinogenic
Similar to: DMT
Who should take it: Disillusioned children
How to take it: Facing your first Christmas after discovering Santa doesn’t exist can be traumatic. What better way to numb the pain of a magic-free Christmas than a hit of salvia, which helpfully blurs the lines between fantasy and reality.
Mommy told me Rudolph doesn’t exist. So why is there a red-nosed reindeer twerking on the roof?
Type of drug: Muscle relaxant
Similar to: Poppers
Who should take it: Grandparents
How to take it: There really is no lower-grade narcotic hit out there then a whiff from a ghastly bottle of poppers, so it might seem an odd delicacy to recommend to your elders. But there is method behind our madness: who deserves a short euphoric hit more than hard-pressed grandparents who have to face yet another year of torturous family ritual?
Plus, the reputation poppers have for loosening the sphincter muscles could come in very handy when it comes to passing the turkey on Boxing Day.
Type of drug: Relaxant
Similar to: Cannabis
Who should take it: Everyone
How to take it: Cannabis might be illegal, but there are plenty of legal-ish synthetic variants that produce much the same effect. Your milage may vary, but with a widely reported reputation for inducing carefree relaxation, there is no excuse for not dosing up everyone—from uncle Ned to the family cat.
Christmas cannabinoids are known colloquially as the “over-caterer’s friend,” thanks to sneaky mums who lace the Christmas pud to ensure there are no tiresome leftovers by the time it’s time to do the washing-up.
Type of Drug: Hallucinogen
Similar to: LSD
Who should take it: elves
How to take it: Nothing quite says Christmas like freshly grated Nutmeg on eggnog, but did you know your favourite seasonal spice is a powerful mind-altering substance? Just up the dose a bit and you could be on your way to what medical professionals call “visual distortions” and “paranoid ideation”.
Ditch the back-of-a-van tabs this year and give nutmeg a try.