REPORT

12 Etsy gifts that will make or break Christmas

By Jeremy Wilson

This story contains sexually explicit material that may be NSFW. 

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

What better way to show your love for Santa’s favourite reindeer then by mounting a beheaded Rudolph on the wall? The kids will love it!

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Cashmere Classic-Argyle Masturbation Sleeve

Bestowing this deliciously soft masturbation sleeve on a lucky friend will put you in their good books for the whole of 2014. Made from “up-cycled” material (i.e., granddad’s old pullover), the “boyish yet sophisticated” sleeve comes in delightful soft tones that make todger-tugging simply luxurious.

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Mature Christmas greeting card

Struggling to pick the right card for that hard-to-please family member can be a horrible chore. Fortunately Etsy is here to help with this “Frosty’s Nose Cock” Christmas card. The card’s creator says it best:

Carrots are used for assholes, not snowmen faces! Help give Frosty his perfect features this Christmas by taking a play from Santa’s book. Poke your boner through a big ball of snow and then hope the magic of the season brings your icy golem to life.

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Peppermint D!ck Crocheted Ribbed Dildo

Nothing says love like crocheting a dildo. But if you don’t have the time to get busy with your own crotchet hook, why not consider this Ribbed Penis, made from quality acrylic yarn and polyester fibre fill?

To complete the Christmas theme it has been lightly scented with organic peppermint essential oil.

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Real Moose POOP Star Christmas Ornament

Christmas tree decorations make a classic gift that can last for generations. But if you want to give a glistening trinket that will stand the test of time, it’s best to chose something that makes a real statement.

This Christmas star ornament made from a genuine “jumbo sized” moose poop nugget mounted on a piece of Victorian reproduction brass does just that.

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Merry Christmas Dog Hat

With all the excitement surrounding the festive season, it can be easy to overlook ickle Frou Frou. Don’t make that mistake this year and kit the family canine out with this charming headgear.

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Consciousness- Taxidermy Art

If the mounted Rudolph head is a little too mainstream for your tastes, why not investigate this piece of conceptual art for your discerning household?

This particular work is titled “Consciousness” and comes adorned with moss, lichen and insects. It’s the Christmas spirit in one glorious package.

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Bull Penis Walking Cane

With all the hustle and bustle of the festive season, it’s important not to forget about the older generation. Made from a real wang that has been reinforced with a metal rod, The Bull Penis Cane is the perfect gift for those not so steady on their feet, combining beauty with practicality.

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Sperm and Egg Hanging Ornament

Another unique ornament, this knitted monument to fertilisation is a perfect addition to the family Christmas tree. Tell the kids it’s an exotic fruit from Kazakhstan.

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Christmas Cat Hat

Cats are notoriously jealous and it’s probably best not to risk leaving them out. So there’s no cross-species favouritism, a hat is the best option here too.

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Mummified Pig Fetus

Christmas isn’t complete without an apple-gagged roast pig adorning the dining room table. But you can enjoy the Christmas spirit all year round with this tastefully mounted dead pig foetus on a stick.

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Christmas Cletus Fetus

So. The pig foetus tickled your fancy, but you’re afraid the recipient of your gift might be too squeamish. Well, here’s a Christmas foetus the whole family can enjoy.

Complete with little green mittens to keep his still-forming hands warm, this clay foetus is the perfect stocking filler. Sweet!

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