REPORT

One New Year’s party done, only thirteen more to go

By Greg Stevens

The New Year’s Eve parties are over. It’s time to clean up, sober up, and get serious about work and life. Back to the daily grind.

But do not fear! There is no reason for you to wait an entire year before you celebrate New Year’s again. Calendars are, after all, fairly arbitrary cultural constructions and throughout thousands of years of human history there have been quite a few of them. Many of them have calculated “New Year’s” in very different ways.

Today, as you know, we celebrate the new year, because today is the first day of the year 2014 A.D. (anno domini), or the year 14 if you are one of those who simply omits the century out of laziness.

However, in ancient times there was a “Runic Calendar” which always calculated the first day of the year as the first full moon after the Winter Solstice.

That means that in just 15 days we will be able to celebrate the New Year again, according to the Runic Calendar.

Runic_calendar_diagram

Then, a mere 30 days from now, we can celebrate Chinese New Year, because we will be entering the new year of 4712 according to the Chinese Calendar.

In 75 days, we could celebrate New Years Day according to the Enochian Calendar, a calendar that was purportedly given to Enoch by the angel Uriel. It’s not a very good calendar and nobody really knows what year this would be in the Enochian Calendar. But that doesn’t really matter for our purposes. It still deserves a New Year’s celebration.

enoch_calbig

In 80 days, we may also celebrate the New Year, because according to the Indian National Calendar we will be entering the year 1936 SE (Saka era).

In 103 days, it will be Vishu, which is the Malayalam New Year, so we will definitely want to break out the champagne for that.

In 110 days, we can celebrate New Years once more because on that day it will become the year 2767 AUC (anno urbis conditae), as it once was measured by the ancient Romans.

The Roman calendar

The Roman calendar

In 201 days, if you are a modern sort of person, you can celebrate the first day of the new year according to the “Tranquility Calendar”, which measures time starting from the moon landing. You will be celebrating the start of the year 45 AT (after Tranquility).

In 240 days, we can have another New Years celebration, because on that day it will become the year 1725 AM (anno martyrum), a system that used to be in fashion among a certain group of monks and still is used by the Coptic Christian church.

Then you will barely have time to recover, because in 243 days we get to celebrate New Years again, as that is the day that we start the year 7523 AOM (ab origine mundi), according to the Byzantine calculation of the age of the universe.

A Byzantine sundial calendar

A Byzantine sundial calendar

In 264 days, it will be 1 Vendémiaire CCXXIII, otherwise known as New Years of the year 223 according to the French Republican Calendar. You absolutely must get drunk for that one.

In 267 days it will be Rosh Hashana, the New Year for the Jewish Calendar, year 5775.

In 296 days, it will be the Hijri New Year, so you will need to have a party to bring in the year 1436 AH (anno hegirae).

Then finally, in 358 days you will be able to celebrate New Years for the year 2015 A.D., even though your calendar will only read December 25, 2014. You must not forget that there was a time in the middle ages when people felt that Christmas should be the official start of the new year, it would simply be irresponsible not to celebrate that as well.

So as you are recovering from staying up too late, drinking too much alcohol, and making a fool of yourself in front of your friends, at least rest assured that you will have many, many more opportunities to yell “Happy New Year’s!” in the upcoming months, providing your friends will put up with it.