20 March – 19 April
On Tuesday your search for the perfect hashtag will be interrupted by a tall, handsome stranger. Don’t allow this distraction to force you over the character limit. Brevity is all-important. Destiny is pretending to own an iPhone 5s.
19 April – 20 May
Your desire for workplace superiority will see you write a passive-aggressive email to your co-worker. Be mindful of how others perceive your missives. Try to remember that using a comedy font does not make the message less harsh. In future, set up an office Skype group and communicate solely through the use of emoji, their meaning can never be misconstrued. Destiny is removing embarrassing photographs from Facebook.
20 May – 21 June
On Sunday you may be tempted to indulge yourself in something you know is bad for you. Think before you act and check for foursquare tips before you commit this vice. Remember, a helpful samaritan will always be there, they’re just sometimes on foursquare. Destiny is still waiting for iOS 7 to download.
21 June – 22 July
No matter how hard you try, your week will be filled with lethargy. Those sleep enhancing apps don’t help, and you know it. Look to your loved ones for comfort, not Digital Meds Lite. Destiny is adding a comedic section to your LinkedIn profile.
22 July – 22 August
As your week becomes busier, you will find yourself wanting to travel. Instead of abandoning your colleagues in their time of need, sit back and go on a Google Street View holiday. Choose a destination that matches what you had for lunch. Destiny is buying a pair of in-ear headphones for a specific train journey.
22 August – 22 September
In a moment of loneliness this week you will contemplate joining an internet dating site. Think before you click. This decision will have a large impact on your future, so be sure to WhatsApp your friends first. Destiny is getting verified on Twitter.
22 September – 23 October
On Wednesday you will learn a very personal fact about someone in the same office as you. Choose to eschew caution, and address them in person. A shocked Snapchat selfie will not convey all of the emotions that you feel. Destiny is Photoshopping your boss’ head into a comedic photo and printing off several copies.
23 October – 22 November
Next week you will find yourself embracing productivity and accomplishing many of the goals you set for yourself. Do not be complacent. An empty Wunderlist app does not mean that everything in your life is in order. Destiny is telling Siri to wake you up in half an hour.
22 November – 21 December
When creativity strikes you this week, embrace it. You may not have written a screenplay before, but don’t let that hinder you. Remember to post cryptic tweets about inspiration. Destiny is trying to log into your old AOL email account.
21 December – 20 January
Midway through playing a violent video game, you will experience a moment of clarity. It is indeed time to turn your life around. Go Ocado yourself some salad and reap the benefits of the new you. Destiny is paying for Spotify Premium.
20 January – 18 February
The stress of the weekend will subside as you enter the new week. To remedy your worried mind, seek out new experiences. Listening to electronic music will help you focus on the task at hand. Destiny is signing out of Yammer, never to return.
18 February – 20 March
This week your desire for self-expression will result in a ten minute search for the perfect Instagram filter. Remember, it’s not the filter that makes the photo, but the number of hashtags you use in the description. Destiny is buying a smartwatch as a present for a friend.