HOROSCOPES

The week ahead, #8

By Petra Papadopoulos

Aries

20 March – 19 April

Aries.svgOn Tuesday you will hear from a distant friend that they got screwed over by a daily deals website. Resist the urge to mock them and instead be the sympathetic friend you claim to be on that dating site. Destiny is unplugging the charging cable on your laptop once in a while to “let it breathe”.

Taurus

19 April – 20 May

225px-Taurus.svgThis week will be fraught with stress. As you enter your creative phrase, consider developing a colour code for life’s little problems. Destiny is buying an SSD.

Gemini

20 May – 21 June

Gemini.svgA job offer will arrive in your inbox midweek. Think carefully whether it’s right for you. Toast your decision with an alcoholic drink and move on. Geminis love to talk, but do try and keep this one to yourself. Destiny is experimenting with a new Twitter client.

Cancer

21 June – 22 July

Cancer.svgAs your priorities change this week, so will your fashion sense. Be mindful of how others perceive you and avoid shelling out on extravagant purchases. Remember, understatements are your lifeblood. Destiny is renaming your Wi-Fi network to something hilarious.

Leo

22 July – 22 August

Leo.svgFor the sort of thing you’re planning on Friday night, a quiet week is in order. Consider purchasing a DVD box set of a nineties television series to dissuade you from wild nights. Seek solace in the flickering flame of a sole candle to ready yourself for the hedonism of the weekend. Destiny is printing a customised debit card.

Virgo

22 August – 22 September

Virgo.svgThis week will see you revising your public image after realising that your friend’s profile picture was taken in a professional photography studio. Remember that the healing tools in Photoshop cannot change your soul. Destiny is recording a YouTube video to announce that you’re leaving an advisory role.

Libra

22 September – 23 October

Libra.svgYou are facing a busy week. Focus on one thing at a time and you’ll make it through with ease. Take particular care not to let the inconsiderate actions of your friends pull you down – there are more important things to focus on. Destiny is right-swiping everyone on Tinder.

Scorpio

23 October – 22 November

Scorpio.svgThis week is no time for sticking rigidly to plans. Don’t be afraid of seizing the moment when new opportunities present themselves. You will have the chance to impress work colleagues with your wit and wisdom – there’s no need to be modest, it’s your time to shine. Destiny is buying a fish tank for no reason.

Sagittarius

22 November – 21 December

Sagittarius.svgDon’t be afraid by the slow start to the week. Once your energy starts to flow you’ll find things picking up, leading to a crescendo of creativity later on. Take advantage of this to hone your social skills – a contact you make could be the key to a future career change. Destiny is live-Vining an entire gig.

Capricorn

21 December – 20 January

Capricorn.svgA corrupted hard drive will see you propelled into a sexless slump towards the end of this week. Remember that your moods are holding you back from finishing that stop-motion video you’ve been working on. Put the trauma behind you and channel your urges into something creative. Destiny is crowdsourcing an entire best man’s speech.

Aquarius

20 January – 18 February

Aquarius.svgThis week you will be tempted by someone with a high Klout score. What seems impressive today will be middlingly average come next quarter. Look further into your heart to find the real reason you’re attending all those Facebook events. Destiny is subscribing to an RSS feed.

Pisces

18 February – 20 March

Pisces.svgYour workplace drama will escalate this week into a passive-agressive Facebook comment war. Be sure to post image replies as they use up more space. Likes are transcendent, stay grounded to reality with strong coffee. Destiny is Frontbacking a sex act for no reason in particular.

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