The week of December 28, 2014

The absolute best new Tumblrs of 2014

By Miles Klee

Another year, another bumper crop of Tumblrs—some personal, some political, but most designed to alleviate workplace boredom or aid in shameless procrastination. Normally these ends are achieved with what scientists call “a sense of humor,” so with a respectful nod to the company’s roundup of the funniest standalone posts this year, we at the Kernel are pleased to list the zany, shrewd, and far-out Tumblr concepts that made us laugh hardest in 2014.

14) TL;DR Wikipedia

Wikipedia has become an indispensable tool for beginner and professional plagiarists alike, but some of its articles can run into the dozens—even hundreds—of words. Save yourself a bit of time time with these radically condensed and hilariously accurate synopses. Your thesis advisor might still flunk you, but she’ll definitely appreciate the joke.


13) You’re Gonna Die Here

In the grand, gawking tradition of the Worst Room, which rounded up the bleakest Craigslist-advertised living spaces in New York City, You’re Gonna Die Here mines the dark side of Airbnb, the apartment-borrowing service that means to kill the hotel industry. From the looks of some of these hovels, though, it’s the renters who should fear for their lives.


12) My 1992 Diary

Websites like BuzzFeed talk a big game about ’90s nostalgia, but what happens when we delve beyond Tamagotchis and French Toast Crunch? Actor and comedian Dawn Leubbe’s unearthed journal, written in her Nebraska childhood, holds the answer: pure pathos. A print version, with more embarrassing photos and details about her hunky classmate Dan, is due out next spring, while the blog itself is open to cringe-worthy reader submissions.       


11) Saturday Chores

Many of us spend our Saturdays regretting Friday and dreading Sunday. Others, for some reason, take to the streets with handwritten signs condemning abortion as murder. Then there’s Grayson and Tina Currin, a married couple who started to troll these pro-lifers IRL with their own irreverent posters—and created a global counter-protest movement in the process.


10) Guys With Zooeyes

Perhaps not as funny as it is traumatizing, this Photoshop-based blog (quite obviously the spirit twin of Chicks With Steve Buscemeyes) reveals what various male celebrities would look like if they had Zooey Deschanel’s eyes. Don’t even try to look away—you can’t.


9) Slug Solos

Another entry in the “so stupid it might actually be genius” category, Slug Solos leverages the stunned and outright silly expressions of rock guitarists for a meditation on the very fine line, heretofore unknown, between the senses of showmanship and disgust. Altogether sublime.


8) Today is the Day Marty McFly Went to the Future

This one’s for the true sickos: a site that only exists to perpetuate a viral pop culture hoax that has haunted Tumblr for years, causing countless nerdy catfights. The lone repeating image is of the indicator panel from the Delorean time machine in Back to the Future, slightly altered so that the car’s temporal destination matches the current date. Each day’s bogus readout is loyally reblogged by a few hundred followers. Some people just want to watch the world burn.


7) PR Is Difficult

In a banner year for the ridicule of low-budget community theater that included bad beasts, puppets, cows, and man-eating plants, as well as the occasional shitty wig, the downright awful advertisements for these sumptuous theatrical events couldn’t be topped. Poorly staged, clinically lit, and punishingly awkward, these artless tableaux will ruin your dreams.


6) Fly Art

This Tumblr makes the crossover between hip-hop aesthetic and painters of the Western canon clear like never before. Bonus: you can buy prints and T-shirts of this stuff. It pairs nicely with the blog B4XVI, which examines the ways in which contemporary rappers draw stylistic influence from pre-16th-century art. There, don’t you feel cultured now?


5) Pizza Feminism

Another inspired combination: bread, tomato, mozzarella, and the wisdom of great women.


4) Jerry Seinfeld’s Skeleton

Probably the best way to make Seinfeld feel fresh after tiring of Modern Seinfeld and Seinfeld2000 was to translate its best scenes into a bizarro webcomic starring digitally rendered skeletons. In concert with the sitcom’s riffs on being and nothingness, the characters—made in a sandbox game called Garry’s Mod—seem straight out of a Beckett play.


3) Straight White Boys Texting

It won’t raise your opinion of heterosexual caucasian males (or the dating world in general), but this is a much-needed, constantly appalling, and flat-out farcical glimpse into the sexist nonsense women have to put up on a daily basis. Which of these wannabe Tinder lotharios will sink the lowest in his quest for a blowjob? How abruptly can an entitled man-child shift gears from small talk to hardcore sexting? Truly, these boys outdo themselves every time.


2) Drunk J. Crew

Ever notice how J. Crew models look totally wasted? You do now.


1) Awful Reviews

Last but far from least, we have these delightful remixes of iconic movie posters, identical to the originals except in a single aspect: The decontextualized gushing of name-brand film critics is replaced with snippets of vicious Amazon reviews. The project’s core, brilliant insight—that every classic has its haters—is strangely comforting. (It’s on Twitter, too!)


Photos via Tumblr | Collage by Max Fleishman