KERNEL GUIDE TO THE INTERNET

J is for Julian Assange

By James Cook

After that whole Wikileaks thing went tits up, Julian Assange retreated to a room that used to be a bathroom in London to invest in his career as an entertainer, media celeb and reclusive advisor to some of the world’s biggest pop stars. Here are some of the highlights of Assange’s career as a celebrity.

Supporting act for M.I.A.

Pretend for a second that you’re female rapper M.I.A. You have an important show coming up in New York’s trendy Terminal 5 venue. Who do you choose to open the show for you? An up and coming rapper who has a loyal fanbase? Maybe a rap legend? Well it doesn’t matter what you think, because she picked white-haired Aussie e-wizard Julian Assange. He “performed” the support set over a Skype call.

Lip-syncing

Sometimes Julian likes nothing better than putting on a fancy dress costume and lip-syncing to Australian pop songs. It’s the perfect way to forget that the US government hates you and you’re holed up in a tiny room in London trying to avoid being arrested over rape accusations. You can see Julian’s appareance at 3.30 in the video below.

And if you value online privacy, you should download our special Julian Assange wallpaper. It practically screams “I support Wikileaks and the EFF but I’m not weird about it, ok?”. Click here to see it in its full glory.

Lady Gaga’s best mate

We like to imagine that they talked fashion. Julian’s blank t-shirt is probably really meaningful, or something.
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Dancing

Julian Assange’s pioneering dance moves are the stuff of legend in Reykjavik.

Being a Tumblr heartthrob

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We could have posted many more of these, but we didn’t.

Trampolining

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When he needs to get away from it all, Julian likes nothing more than taking phone calls in a suit while bouncing on a trampoline in the garden of an English country mansion.