KERNEL GUIDE TO THE INTERNET

K is for Kim Dotcom

By Jeremy Wilson

Kim Dotcom’s Wikipedia page describes him as “a large-framed man”. Sadly, in a world lacking in renaissance men, it’s a shame that his sizeable circumference has overshadowed some of his more notable achievements. We decided to look back at the storied life of serial entrepreneur Kim Dotcom, giving due credit to achievements other than his girth.

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Instead of spending his youth pursuing the usual pastimes of pornography and angst, Mr Dotcom turned his attention to hacking. After bypassing the security systems of NASA, the Pentagon and Citibank, he turned to selling stolen access codes to private branch exchange phone systems – an enterprise that led to his first arrest and prosecution – a harbinger of things to come.

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Born Kim Schmitz, he acquired his moniker “Dotcom” following his spectacular manipulation of other people’s stupidity during the dotcom boom. In 2001 he bought €375,000 worth of shares in failing startup LetsBuyIt.com and spread the rumour that he was going to invest €50 million. The share price of LetsBuyIt.com rocketed. Kim sold his shares and jetted to Thailand to roll around in cash.

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Following a brief period in which he faked his death, was deported back to Germany and received another suspended prison sentence, Mr Dotcom relocated to Hong Kong. While in the Chinese Special Administrative Region he created what he claimed was an artificial intelligence-driven hedge fund which generated astronomical returns. Unfortunately Kim neglected to register his company with relevant authorities and was fined for his oversight.

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The next, and seemingly final, stop on the Kim Dotcom world tour is New Zealand – a country he was granted citizenship to under a special “investor plus category”. He underlined his commitment to the New Zealand economy by shelling out for a $600,000 firework display in Auckland.

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Unsurprisingly, Kim has been keeping himself busy in New Zealand. So far he has become embroiled in a donation scandal with prominent politician John Banks, bought the most expensive house in the country, guided his file-sharing site Megaupload to 13th most popular site on the internet, been subject to an armed raid by New Zealand police, resisted attempts by the FBI to have him extradited to the US, started a new file-sharing service and sued the New Zealand Government and police. And most importantly, he has started releasing singles accompanied by his wife.

He was also the best Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 player in the world.

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