KERNEL GUIDE TO THE INTERNET

O is for One Direction

By Jack Flanagan

One Direction is a little-known boy band from London, UK. The band is comprised of 5 young men who encourage girls to phlegm and foam in exchange for their souls. They shot to fame after a freak accident on the hit TV show The X Factor.

They’ve also garnered a fair following online. They have over 23 million likes on Facebook, and almost 17 million followers on Twitter. If you type “one” into Google, they are the second result to come up (after “one piece”, which is either manga or a Norwegian jumpsuit).

Their quirky lyricism has been described as speaking “of falling in love, unrequited love, the insistence that flaws are what make a person unique”, possibly a reference to hit song and shrewd portrait of depression “That’s What Makes You Beautiful”. They followed that up with the passive-aggressive song “Little Things”: “You never want to know how much you weigh/You still have to squeeze into your jeans/But you’re perfect to me.” Feminists are unsure how to respond.

They’re known for powerful hooks like “oh na na na” and “yeh yeh yeh”. In a more recent hit, “The Best Song Ever”, they rhetorically query “I think it went oh oh oh, I think it went yeh yeh yeh”, which is almost certainly the case. “The Best Song Ever” is thought to be a playful invitation to listen to this song and see whether it’s true, but disappointingly is about this one time when a band member danced with this girl and that was about it.

One Direction fans, known as “Directioners”, are believed to be some of the most heinous trolls on the internet. They write licentious fan fiction and threaten to kill small animals when their demands are not met. One source on the web (me) predicts that 34% of small animals threatened online are indirectly caused by One Direction fandom.

One Direction has certainly made it on the internet, where the criteria for popularity are forbiddingly obscure. Harry, Zayn, John, Simon, Charlie Brown: who is your favourite Direction boy?

PS, here’s some facts I found after picking through the Directioners’ litter:

Harry’s greatest musical influence is The Beatles, but his favourite song is ‘Free Falling’ by John Mayer. He can play the kazoo.

Liam has one kidney.

“Zayn” is actually a stage name. His real name is: “Zain”.

Liam’s favourite song is ‘Happy Birthday’.

Simon Cowell believes 1D have what it takes to become one of the biggest boy bands on the planet.