A ‘comedian’ writes

By The Kernel on October 29th, 2013

I was recently unfollowed by Nimrod Something on Twitter. When I found out, I immediately phoned my mother and we both cried for three hours solid. Then I dried off my laptop which was in the other room, took a deep breath and began composing this response. Composing in the same way one might compose a symphony or an email. IE) With no real thought or care.

Hey nimrod (not capitalised because I don’t mean the name nimrod, I mean it as an insult. As in, the colloquial Americanism, ‘nimrod’. See also: dingus), how come you gone done unfollowed me, punk? Don’t you know I NEED this? Don’t you know every time someone unfollows me I run myself a salt-water bath, gently lower myself into the freezing water and slice deep into my flesh so that I can experience a physical pain to match my emotional anguish? Oh, you do know that? Fair enough.

I found your reasoning a little odd. “I saw a YouTube UK employee using this dude’s videos to demonstrate the power of YouTube, calling him ‘Generation C’. Immediate unfollow.” That’s a little weird. Something I didn’t say or do, nor agree with, and suddenly I’m unfollowed. It’s kind of like me saying “I just heard Pizza described as ‘scrumptious’. I hate the word scrumptious and even though Pizza would never describe ITSELF as scrumptious I will still never eat pizza again, despite the fact Pizza is the best at Twitter.”  Also, who even uses the word ‘dude’ anymore, broheim?

Listen, I’m not saying you were wrong to unfollow me. (I’m not really saying anything. I’ve had like 4 Red Bulls in the last hour and I can’t even see what I’m typing anymore.) In fact, you definitely should unfollow me, but not for the reason you did. There are like a bazillion reasons to unfollow a prick like me and here are five of them:

  1. I am a self-indulgent nobody. [Proof: this article.]
  2. I once tweeted a picture of my cat with no ‘funny’ caption, just because it was cute.
  3. I follow and have interacted with Ray Quinn.
  4. I occasionally use Twitter to plug things, like my videos (www.youtube.com/rhysactually) and comedy shows (http://www.pleasance.co.uk/islington/events/rhys-james-begins-work-in-progress)
  5. I have seen Coldplay live.

I am also a little hurt that this article featured in online magazine The Kernel. Mainly because Nimrod (ha, nimrod) also writes for Vice, Wired and Huffington Post, all of which most likely generate more traffic, which means more people viewing my name. Who cares about context? [Note to editor: Leave this bit in to show humility. {Second note to ed: leave THIS bit in to show self-awareness}].

In summary, Nimrod is a funny word. I own a cat. Four Red Bulls. Something about Twitter and pizza? I love Ray Quinn. And I’ll see you when The Kernel start doing ‘Unsubscribe Sunday’.