Spend enough time on the darker side of the internet and you’ll come across a rather strange phenomenon: waifus. A “waifu” is a term used by Asian men to refer to their wives, but it’s also used by lonely, neckbeard-sporting American teenagers to refer to their anime sex pillow.
If you’re feeling particularly lonely, you can buy your own customised “comfort pillow”. mypillowpartner.com allows users to upload their own photographs to be printed on their pillow, and to share and view others’ waifu designs. When The Kernel visited, some of the most popular designs included a toddler, an underage girl, and a cartoon horse with its legs splayed.
We decided to order a relatively pedestrian instance of the genre from Amazon. After a few weeks of waiting, our “Wow Anime Body Pillow Anime K-on!” arrived, packaged in a giant ball of Sellotape. After stuffing the sumptuously soft pillow inside the child-size pillowcase (bit like squeezing an extra-small condom over Mandingo’s member), our waifu was ready to go.
What exactly “go” means is left for the customer to decide.
Wow Anime Body Pillow Anime K-on! £31.97 on Amazon
One internet tradition involves waifus posing for photographs and performing household tasks, thus enhancing their “realness”. Wanting to gain the full waifu experience, we embarked on our very own “otaku date”.
Because we didn’t purchase a waifu with love holes or a bra flap, our options were limited. It seems that The Kernel’s waifu was intended for companionship only.
Call us old-fashioned, but it’s difficult to build a relationship with a child-size wipe clean pillow depicting a constantly red-faced woman in an advanced state of undress.